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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Therapist Beginning To Show Cracks In Caring Façade

SANTA MONICA, CA—After five years of counseling, psychotherapist Diana Berg is beginning to show cracks in her caring façade, patient Ian Cassell reported Tuesday. "When I told her how I still put everyone else's happiness above my own, she exhaled really loud, like she was exasperated," Cassell said. "Then she said, 'Well, we did talk about that last session, didn't we?'" Berg, who has had twice-weekly sessions with Cassell since 1998, said through gritted teeth that she suspects he doesn't really want to get better.

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