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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Therapist Feels Bad For Dating Patient's Daughter

UTICA, NY—Admitting that he feels “pretty guilty about it,” clinical psychologist William Nesbitt told reporters Thursday that he has found himself in an increasingly uncomfortable situation ever since he began dating the 23-year-old daughter of one of his patients. “It’s not technically against the rules or anything, but I can’t help feeling a little bad about it every time her father comes in for his weekly appointment,” said Nesbitt, 47, adding that he is “still looking for the right time” to disclose the four-month-long relationship to his patient. “What can I say? I certainly didn’t plan for this to happen. Allison and I just really hit it off. And it’s not affecting my work. If anything, it’s given me better insight into some of her father’s anxiety problems.” Nesbitt added that while the relationship is going well, his girlfriend has “a ton of daddy issues she needs to work out.”

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