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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Therapist Feels Bad For Dating Patient's Daughter

UTICA, NY—Admitting that he feels “pretty guilty about it,” clinical psychologist William Nesbitt told reporters Thursday that he has found himself in an increasingly uncomfortable situation ever since he began dating the 23-year-old daughter of one of his patients. “It’s not technically against the rules or anything, but I can’t help feeling a little bad about it every time her father comes in for his weekly appointment,” said Nesbitt, 47, adding that he is “still looking for the right time” to disclose the four-month-long relationship to his patient. “What can I say? I certainly didn’t plan for this to happen. Allison and I just really hit it off. And it’s not affecting my work. If anything, it’s given me better insight into some of her father’s anxiety problems.” Nesbitt added that while the relationship is going well, his girlfriend has “a ton of daddy issues she needs to work out.”

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