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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Therapist Feels Bad For Dating Patient's Daughter

UTICA, NY—Admitting that he feels “pretty guilty about it,” clinical psychologist William Nesbitt told reporters Thursday that he has found himself in an increasingly uncomfortable situation ever since he began dating the 23-year-old daughter of one of his patients. “It’s not technically against the rules or anything, but I can’t help feeling a little bad about it every time her father comes in for his weekly appointment,” said Nesbitt, 47, adding that he is “still looking for the right time” to disclose the four-month-long relationship to his patient. “What can I say? I certainly didn’t plan for this to happen. Allison and I just really hit it off. And it’s not affecting my work. If anything, it’s given me better insight into some of her father’s anxiety problems.” Nesbitt added that while the relationship is going well, his girlfriend has “a ton of daddy issues she needs to work out.”

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