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Nobel Committee Awards Self Peace Prize For Once

‘Sometimes You Just Need To Treat Yourself,’ Sources Say

OSLO, NORWAY—Saying there was nothing wrong with treating yourself for a change, the Norwegian Nobel Committee announced Friday that it was awarding the 2017 Nobel Peace Prize to itself for once.

The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.
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‘There Are No Good Options In Syria,’ Sighs Man Who Has Devoted 12 Minutes Of Research To Topic

SAGINAW, MI—Shaking his head at the tragic futility of it all, local man Daniel Roth sighed “there are no good options in Syria” Thursday after devoting 12 minutes of casual research to the topic. “It’s just so heartbreaking, but what’s worse is that there doesn’t seem to be any real solution,” said Roth, who skimmed seven paragraphs of a Washington Post editorial on the subject and watched a short Vox explainer video on the various participants in the conflict before clicking over to the teaser trailer for Thor: Ragnarok. “There’s certainly no silver bullet, and there might not even be a workable way out at all. With so many confounding variables at play, I can’t even imagine a decent path forward unless something completely unexpected happens.” Roth admitted, however, that he was not an expert on Syria and hoped his friend who recently read a 6,000-word essay in Harper’s might have some more encouraging insight.

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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

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