There, Like, 6 Cop Cars Outside

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Vol 46 Issue 24

Asteroid Probe Returns To Earth

A Japanese spacecraft to an asteroid deployed seven years ago returned home on Sunday, possibly carrying the first extraterrestrial rock sample since the moon landings.

USC's Rules Violations

The NCAA says Reggie Bush took cash while playing for the Trojans, but that was hardly the only thing that came to light during its investigation of USC.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

There, Like, 6 Cop Cars Outside

CHICAGO—According to sources huddled by the window, there are currently, like, six or seven cop cars parked right outside that building across the street over there. The cop cars, which reportedly have their lights on and everything and are definitely there in response to some crazy shit that must have gone down, arrived at approximately 11:37 p.m. While many details remain unclear, especially with Josh refusing to move and pretty much blocking everyone else's view, sources claim the cop cars are either investigating a major apartment theft thing, totally busting someone—probably the weird dude with a beard—for drugs, or maybe it's murder, man, do you think it could be murder?

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