'These Last Two Are Gonna Be Real Turds,' George R.R. Martin Assures Fans

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Vol 48 Issue 01

Called It!

CBS 10 p.m. EST/9 p.m. CST Chad and Kristen hook up just like you knew they would, while the storyline you predicted two weeks ago about Paige being the one who spread the rumor of Raven being pregnant is revealed.

All Of Area Man's Hard Work Finally Pays Off For Employer

SAN DIEGO—Following seven straight years of long hours at the office and sacrificed weekends and holidays, all of account manager Sam Hemstead's hard work and single-minded devotion to Pinnacle Automotive Insurance has finally paid off for CEO Charl...

Origin Story

Spike 8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST How Eli Wallach became the Flash.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

'These Last Two Are Gonna Be Real Turds,' George R.R. Martin Assures Fans

SANTA FE, NM—In the wake of last year's highly successful publication of the fifth installment in his A Song Of Ice And Fire series, author George R.R. Martin assured fans Tuesday the final two books in the fantasy saga would be "complete turds." "For starters, there'll be no mention of the dragons at all, because I'm pretty much sick of writing about dragons at this point," said Martin, who added he would also be introducing an entirely new storyline set on a completely different continent and featuring a cast of at least 50 new characters all vying for the same throne. "And I'm going to take even longer to write these last two, at least a decade each. Who knows if I'll even be alive to finish them? Who cares? My son knows how to spell most of the characters' names, so maybe I'll let him wrap the whole thing up." Martin said that while he didn't want to give too much away, he was certainly going to kill off Tyrion and never resurrect him, because "that fucking dwarf" was annoying the shit out of him.

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