adBlockCheck

Entertainment

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
End Of Section
  • More News

'These Last Two Are Gonna Be Real Turds,' George R.R. Martin Assures Fans

SANTA FE, NM—In the wake of last year's highly successful publication of the fifth installment in his A Song Of Ice And Fire series, author George R.R. Martin assured fans Tuesday the final two books in the fantasy saga would be "complete turds." "For starters, there'll be no mention of the dragons at all, because I'm pretty much sick of writing about dragons at this point," said Martin, who added he would also be introducing an entirely new storyline set on a completely different continent and featuring a cast of at least 50 new characters all vying for the same throne. "And I'm going to take even longer to write these last two, at least a decade each. Who knows if I'll even be alive to finish them? Who cares? My son knows how to spell most of the characters' names, so maybe I'll let him wrap the whole thing up." Martin said that while he didn't want to give too much away, he was certainly going to kill off Tyrion and never resurrect him, because "that fucking dwarf" was annoying the shit out of him.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close