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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials. “At approximately 10:45 a.m., a number of perpetrators were able to disable our security cameras and make off with Judith, Tom, and Sharon,” said museum president Douglas Druick, who described the elderly docents’ condition as fragile and called for heightened security around all remaining volunteer guides. “Many of these docents had been in our galleries for decades and were beloved by our patrons. Please, if anyone has any information as to their whereabouts, we just want to know, no questions asked.” At press time, a private detective hired by the museum had located one of the oldest and most admired of the missing docents in a private gallery in Switzerland.

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