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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Thin, Attractive Woman Accepted For Who She Is

DALLAS—In a world too often filled with hatred and intolerance toward those who are different, 23-year-old Kristin Petrie is accepted for who she is: a natural blonde with a dazzling smile and spectacular body.

Kristin Petrie.

"I don't know how to describe it, but Kristin has this special, magnetic quality," said Ron Angelo, Petrie's supervisor at ExecuTech, a Dallas-based headhunting firm where the willowy beauty works as a corporate recruiter. "When Kristin arrived here, she had zero recruiting experience. But did she let that stop her from landing the job? Absolutely not. Kristin is determined not to let her shortcomings keep her from succeeding. And you know what? They rarely do."

Petrie has been able to overcome numerous setbacks since joining the ExecuTech team, including frequent error-filled reports.

"Kristin tends to be a little hard on herself when she makes mistakes, but we're always saying, 'Don't worry about it; you're doing great,'" said coworker Brett Graves, who has never verbally acknowledged Petrie's 22-inch waist or pert, C-cup breasts. "After all, we've all got our strengths and weaknesses, and it's important to live with that."

Graves was alluding to a June incident in which Petrie accidentally recommended the wrong person for a high-level position at Revlon cosmetics.

"It was very unfortunate, yes, and Kristin was extremely sorry," Angelo said. "But she wasn't to blame for it, really. I admit I gave her more than she could cope with. The file folders she was given were too similar-looking. Thankfully, she recognized the mistake when she received a call from the Revlon people asking why she'd sent the wrong person, and she immediately set out to fix what could have been a disastrous situation. Again, I think it's part of that special quality she has that no one can put their finger on."

Continued Angelo: "Kristin was practically in tears and said that if I wanted to fire her, she'd understand. But I said that we wouldn't have hired her if we didn't think she had the goods to succeed. When dealing with people, you have to learn to take the good with the bad. We're all different, but it's those differences that make each of us special."

Like her coworkers, Petrie's friends accept her for who she is.

"Kristin can be a bit forgetful," said Leslie Barrow, Petrie's best friend since high school. "One time, she forgot to pick up Gail and bring her to her surprise birthday party. She picked up Gail's cake from the bakery but not Gail. Incredible."

"When Kristin realized her mistake," Barrow continued, "she blushed and said, 'Oops, my bad!' We had to put off the party nearly two hours as Kristin went back for Gail. But somehow, when her face went red and her long, silky blonde ponytail bobbed around as she scanned the room for our reactions, we couldn't stay mad at her. 'That's our Kristin!' we thought."

Another longtime acquaintance, Adam Streed, said he is proud to claim Petrie as a friend, warts and all.

"I truly believe that the key to happiness is acceptance," Streed said. "I mean, ideally, everybody could stand to be a little smarter or more responsible or conscientious. But nobody's perfect, so why not focus on what's good about a person? In Kristin's case, her strong points are her warmth, friendliness, and sense of humor. I only wish more people were like her."

Streed added that he is so tolerant of Petrie, he wouldn't mind if she were to accidentally lock his keys in his car. He also reportedly wouldn't mind if, one day, she unexpectedly put her arm around his neck and French-kissed him, slowly massaging his crotch with her free hand.

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