Thin, Attractive Woman Accepted For Who She Is

Top Headlines

Recent News

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Thin, Attractive Woman Accepted For Who She Is

DALLAS—In a world too often filled with hatred and intolerance toward those who are different, 23-year-old Kristin Petrie is accepted for who she is: a natural blonde with a dazzling smile and spectacular body.

Kristin Petrie.

"I don't know how to describe it, but Kristin has this special, magnetic quality," said Ron Angelo, Petrie's supervisor at ExecuTech, a Dallas-based headhunting firm where the willowy beauty works as a corporate recruiter. "When Kristin arrived here, she had zero recruiting experience. But did she let that stop her from landing the job? Absolutely not. Kristin is determined not to let her shortcomings keep her from succeeding. And you know what? They rarely do."

Petrie has been able to overcome numerous setbacks since joining the ExecuTech team, including frequent error-filled reports.

"Kristin tends to be a little hard on herself when she makes mistakes, but we're always saying, 'Don't worry about it; you're doing great,'" said coworker Brett Graves, who has never verbally acknowledged Petrie's 22-inch waist or pert, C-cup breasts. "After all, we've all got our strengths and weaknesses, and it's important to live with that."

Graves was alluding to a June incident in which Petrie accidentally recommended the wrong person for a high-level position at Revlon cosmetics.

"It was very unfortunate, yes, and Kristin was extremely sorry," Angelo said. "But she wasn't to blame for it, really. I admit I gave her more than she could cope with. The file folders she was given were too similar-looking. Thankfully, she recognized the mistake when she received a call from the Revlon people asking why she'd sent the wrong person, and she immediately set out to fix what could have been a disastrous situation. Again, I think it's part of that special quality she has that no one can put their finger on."

Continued Angelo: "Kristin was practically in tears and said that if I wanted to fire her, she'd understand. But I said that we wouldn't have hired her if we didn't think she had the goods to succeed. When dealing with people, you have to learn to take the good with the bad. We're all different, but it's those differences that make each of us special."

Like her coworkers, Petrie's friends accept her for who she is.

"Kristin can be a bit forgetful," said Leslie Barrow, Petrie's best friend since high school. "One time, she forgot to pick up Gail and bring her to her surprise birthday party. She picked up Gail's cake from the bakery but not Gail. Incredible."

"When Kristin realized her mistake," Barrow continued, "she blushed and said, 'Oops, my bad!' We had to put off the party nearly two hours as Kristin went back for Gail. But somehow, when her face went red and her long, silky blonde ponytail bobbed around as she scanned the room for our reactions, we couldn't stay mad at her. 'That's our Kristin!' we thought."

Another longtime acquaintance, Adam Streed, said he is proud to claim Petrie as a friend, warts and all.

"I truly believe that the key to happiness is acceptance," Streed said. "I mean, ideally, everybody could stand to be a little smarter or more responsible or conscientious. But nobody's perfect, so why not focus on what's good about a person? In Kristin's case, her strong points are her warmth, friendliness, and sense of humor. I only wish more people were like her."

Streed added that he is so tolerant of Petrie, he wouldn't mind if she were to accidentally lock his keys in his car. He also reportedly wouldn't mind if, one day, she unexpectedly put her arm around his neck and French-kissed him, slowly massaging his crotch with her free hand.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close