Thin, Attractive Woman Accepted For Who She Is

In This Section

Vol 37 Issue 38

Tom Clancy Treated Like He's Some Kind Of Terrorism Expert

WASHINGTON, DC— Tom Clancy, bestselling author of such military thrillers as The Hunt For Red October and Patriot Games, is being treated like an actual terrorism expert, having offered his opinion on Larry King Live and countless other TV shows since Sept. 11. "The Al Qaeda network is known to have operatives in at least 30 countries, including the U.S. and Great Britain," said Clancy, a former insurance broker and avid wearer of naval-warship baseball caps, during a recent Nightline. "By the way, Ted, Stephen Ambrose's The Wild Blue is a terrific read." Later that evening, Clancy appeared in a Crossfire panel on biological warfare with former CIA director John Deutch and Secretary Of State Colin Powell.

Mom Uses Full Name To Refer To Bisquick Impossibly Easy Cheeseburger Pie™

HICKORY, NC— Inviting her family to dig in to dinner Monday, Donna Furness, 41, referred to the meal by its full, trademarked name. "Who's ready for some Bisquick Impossibly Easy Cheeseburger Pie™?" asked Furness while serving her loved ones the hamburger pie, made from a recipe on the side of a Bisquick box. "Just be sure to save room for dessert: We're having Smuckers Quick 'N' Nutty Jam Gems™."

Area Man Switches To Backup Lie

AURORA, CO— At the last possible moment, area resident Gordon Kanner aborted his planned avenue of untruth, turning instead to a backup lie to explain his failure to show up at his girlfriend's sister's birthday party. "That was the closest call in my entire two years with Jessica," a relieved Kanner told reporters after the near-bust. "I was going to feed her some bullshit about how I couldn't make it to her sister's thing because I had to work. But just as I was about to, she mentions seeing my car at the Safeway. Fortunately, I was able to think fast and switch to my sick-mother lie."

Michael Jordan Not Exactly Sure What Product He Just Filmed Commercial For

LOS ANGELES— Minutes after completing a commercial shoot Monday, NBA legend Michael Jordan reported being unable to recall what product he endorsed. "I'm pretty sure it had something to do with phones," Jordan said. "But it wasn't MCI. It was, like, fiber-optic stuff or videoconferencing. Anyway, I talked about how you can score a slam dunk with the company and mentioned the name twice." On Friday, Jordan is slated to film a 30-second spot for Dove Bars or maybe hot dogs.

Now More Than Ever, Humanity Needs My Back To The Future Fan Fiction

We, as a nation, have suffered. Wounded and confused, we wonder whether life will ever be the same again. But for all our pain, we can heal, if each one of us pitches in. We all have a part to play, whether donating blood, contributing to relief charities, or writing high-quality fan fiction to help a grieving nation forget its troubles for just a little while.

What's Up, Dick?

Vice-President Cheney has spent much of the past several weeks hidden from public view in a secret location, prompting rumors about his status. What do you think?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Healthy Eating

Thin, Attractive Woman Accepted For Who She Is

DALLAS—In a world too often filled with hatred and intolerance toward those who are different, 23-year-old Kristin Petrie is accepted for who she is: a natural blonde with a dazzling smile and spectacular body.

Kristin Petrie.

"I don't know how to describe it, but Kristin has this special, magnetic quality," said Ron Angelo, Petrie's supervisor at ExecuTech, a Dallas-based headhunting firm where the willowy beauty works as a corporate recruiter. "When Kristin arrived here, she had zero recruiting experience. But did she let that stop her from landing the job? Absolutely not. Kristin is determined not to let her shortcomings keep her from succeeding. And you know what? They rarely do."

Petrie has been able to overcome numerous setbacks since joining the ExecuTech team, including frequent error-filled reports.

"Kristin tends to be a little hard on herself when she makes mistakes, but we're always saying, 'Don't worry about it; you're doing great,'" said coworker Brett Graves, who has never verbally acknowledged Petrie's 22-inch waist or pert, C-cup breasts. "After all, we've all got our strengths and weaknesses, and it's important to live with that."

Graves was alluding to a June incident in which Petrie accidentally recommended the wrong person for a high-level position at Revlon cosmetics.

"It was very unfortunate, yes, and Kristin was extremely sorry," Angelo said. "But she wasn't to blame for it, really. I admit I gave her more than she could cope with. The file folders she was given were too similar-looking. Thankfully, she recognized the mistake when she received a call from the Revlon people asking why she'd sent the wrong person, and she immediately set out to fix what could have been a disastrous situation. Again, I think it's part of that special quality she has that no one can put their finger on."

Continued Angelo: "Kristin was practically in tears and said that if I wanted to fire her, she'd understand. But I said that we wouldn't have hired her if we didn't think she had the goods to succeed. When dealing with people, you have to learn to take the good with the bad. We're all different, but it's those differences that make each of us special."

Like her coworkers, Petrie's friends accept her for who she is.

"Kristin can be a bit forgetful," said Leslie Barrow, Petrie's best friend since high school. "One time, she forgot to pick up Gail and bring her to her surprise birthday party. She picked up Gail's cake from the bakery but not Gail. Incredible."

"When Kristin realized her mistake," Barrow continued, "she blushed and said, 'Oops, my bad!' We had to put off the party nearly two hours as Kristin went back for Gail. But somehow, when her face went red and her long, silky blonde ponytail bobbed around as she scanned the room for our reactions, we couldn't stay mad at her. 'That's our Kristin!' we thought."

Another longtime acquaintance, Adam Streed, said he is proud to claim Petrie as a friend, warts and all.

"I truly believe that the key to happiness is acceptance," Streed said. "I mean, ideally, everybody could stand to be a little smarter or more responsible or conscientious. But nobody's perfect, so why not focus on what's good about a person? In Kristin's case, her strong points are her warmth, friendliness, and sense of humor. I only wish more people were like her."

Streed added that he is so tolerant of Petrie, he wouldn't mind if she were to accidentally lock his keys in his car. He also reportedly wouldn't mind if, one day, she unexpectedly put her arm around his neck and French-kissed him, slowly massaging his crotch with her free hand.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More