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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Thing In Cave Not Finished With Eric Yet

WETHERILL MESA, CO—Two minutes of tense silence punctuated by a sound words can't even describe led onlookers to believe Tuesday that the thing in the cave—whatever it is—was not through with Eric just yet. Huddled, outside-the-cave sources confirmed that the thing was apparently only getting started, despite hopes that a short break after what felt like hours of cracks, thuds, and weird suction noises meant that what was done was done and at least Eric wouldn't have to suffer any longer. As of press time, Don had ignored Chrissy's tearful warnings that the thing could still be hungry for more, and had taken the group's only flashlight to go in after him.

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