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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Thing With Old Girlfriend Works With New Girlfriend

BOSTON—According to local man Peter McCarthy, an endearing behavior that once helped him nurture companionship and intimacy with ex-girlfriend Kara Banachek is currently allowing him to do the same with new girlfriend Alyssa Michals. "Kara used to love it when I made funny faces and tried to get her to laugh when she was talking on the phone, and it turns out Alyssa gets a kick out of that too," the 29-year-old said Wednesday, acknowledging he has also taken advantage of the fresh audience to recycle such tried-and-true practices as stroking back the hair from Michals' forehead before kissing her and nuzzling the back of her neck as the two drift off to sleep. "I do feel kind of guilty about it, and, yeah, they'd probably both be pissed if they found out, but realistically that's not ever going to happen, so who's it hurting?" McCarthy said he was still feeling out the use of his old pet name for Banachek—"Kare Bear"—on Michals and was prepared to "go back to the drawing board" should his new girlfriend grow suspicious.

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