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After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Third-Grader Clearly Biting Off More Than He Can Chew At Elementary School Book Fair

COLUMBUS, OH—Watching in disbelief as the youngster added another children’s novel to his quickly growing stack, sources confirmed Thursday that local third-grader Hayden Schmidt was clearly biting off more than he could chew at his elementary school book fair. “This kid is in way over his head here—there’s no way he’s going to read something as long as Charlotte’s Web,” said eyewitness Marissa Chandler, scoffing and shaking her head as she noted that the 8-year-old already had a pretty full plate after selecting Mr. Popper’s Penguins and Stuart Little. “Jesus Christ, now he’s grabbing Bridge To Terabithia! That’s way too advanced for him—he’ll never make it past the second chapter. Who does he think he is?” At press time, sources confirmed the third-grader had finally come to his senses, placing the books back on the shelves in order to use his money on some cool pens.

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