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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Third-Grader Prays Massive Deficit Coupled With Decreased Tax Base Causes District-Wide School Closings Tomorrow

CARPENTERSVILLE, IL—Local third-grader Dylan Gardener, 8, prayed before bed Sunday that a steep decline in tax revenues combined with the decisive failure of a recent bond measure would force school closings throughout the greater Chicago area tomorrow. "Please, God, let there be a severe budget shortfall that leads to a skyrocketing state deficit that leads to a legislative stalemate, which in turn forces all non-vital government institutions to close down for the day so I don't have to go to school," the youngster said as he knelt before his bed. "I want to go sledding in the park." At press time, sources confirmed Dylan's prayers had been answered indefinitely.

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