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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Third-Grader Prays Massive Deficit Coupled With Decreased Tax Base Causes District-Wide School Closings Tomorrow

CARPENTERSVILLE, IL—Local third-grader Dylan Gardener, 8, prayed before bed Sunday that a steep decline in tax revenues combined with the decisive failure of a recent bond measure would force school closings throughout the greater Chicago area tomorrow. "Please, God, let there be a severe budget shortfall that leads to a skyrocketing state deficit that leads to a legislative stalemate, which in turn forces all non-vital government institutions to close down for the day so I don't have to go to school," the youngster said as he knelt before his bed. "I want to go sledding in the park." At press time, sources confirmed Dylan's prayers had been answered indefinitely.

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