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Politics

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Third-Party Candidate Forms Exploratory Committee To See Who Can Cover Shifts For Him In Coming Months

MINNEAPOLIS—Laying the groundwork for a potential presidential run, United Progressive Party leader Jed Connelly formed an exploratory committee Wednesday to determine whether any coworkers could pick up a few evening shifts for him as the 2012 campaign season begins to heat up. "Before I officially throw my hat in the ring, it's imperative that I gauge the viability of [shift leader] Carrie [Bullock] cutting me some slack on the weekends," said Connelly, adding that early polling suggested a high likelihood that Derek would be cool about swapping a couple Thursdays. "2012 will be a landmark election, and that's why it's important to get my name out there early, particularly among anyone on morning shift who might be willing to pull a double." While a final decision remained weeks away, Connelly stated that the committee was on track to file official paperwork with the Federal Election Commission in June, provided someone on his team had access to a printer.

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