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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Third-Party Candidate Forms Exploratory Committee To See Who Can Cover Shifts For Him In Coming Months

MINNEAPOLIS—Laying the groundwork for a potential presidential run, United Progressive Party leader Jed Connelly formed an exploratory committee Wednesday to determine whether any coworkers could pick up a few evening shifts for him as the 2012 campaign season begins to heat up. "Before I officially throw my hat in the ring, it's imperative that I gauge the viability of [shift leader] Carrie [Bullock] cutting me some slack on the weekends," said Connelly, adding that early polling suggested a high likelihood that Derek would be cool about swapping a couple Thursdays. "2012 will be a landmark election, and that's why it's important to get my name out there early, particularly among anyone on morning shift who might be willing to pull a double." While a final decision remained weeks away, Connelly stated that the committee was on track to file official paperwork with the Federal Election Commission in June, provided someone on his team had access to a printer.

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