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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Thirsty Mayor Drinks Town's Entire Water Supply

ARDMORE, OK—Saying he was "just really thirsty," Mayor Earl Moore apologized to his constituents Tuesday after drinking the entire 1.5-million-gallon water supply housed in the town's water tower.

"I apologize that my actions today have left all of you without water, and I will do everything in my power to make sure we have water tomorrow," a visibly bloated Moore told reporters. "I woke up in the middle of the night and my mouth was dry. I thought I just needed a sip of water, but I was obviously thirstier than that."

Responding to criticism that he deeply mismanaged city resources, Moore promised to drive to nearby Marietta next time.

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