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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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This Apparently That Year Marlins Win World Series Again

MIAMI—After enduring five years of mediocrity since a 2003 World Series title that was itself preceded by five years of mediocrity, the Florida Marlins will evidently go ahead and win the World Series again if their 11-2 start to the season is any indication. "I guess they're doing that thing where no one will really completely believe in them all year, but they'll be unstoppable in the playoffs, beat some interesting team like the Cubs along the way, and win it all," broadcaster Tim Kurkjian said. "Then I guess they'll sell off all their good players, play a bunch of 17-year-olds, lose 100 games, nuke their own fan base, and somehow blame it on not having their new stadium yet. I see." Kurkjian then made a note to himself to pick the Marlins to win the World Series in 2015.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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