This Apparently That Year Marlins Win World Series Again

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Vol 45 Issue 17

Three Fingered On Class Trip To Washington, D.C.

WASHINGTON—The second fingering reportedly took place Thursday night at the hotel after chaperones failed to notice that Nick Stern had been hiding in Jamie Cavanaugh's bathroom during a 10 p.m. room check.
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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

This Apparently That Year Marlins Win World Series Again

MIAMI—After enduring five years of mediocrity since a 2003 World Series title that was itself preceded by five years of mediocrity, the Florida Marlins will evidently go ahead and win the World Series again if their 11-2 start to the season is any indication. "I guess they're doing that thing where no one will really completely believe in them all year, but they'll be unstoppable in the playoffs, beat some interesting team like the Cubs along the way, and win it all," broadcaster Tim Kurkjian said. "Then I guess they'll sell off all their good players, play a bunch of 17-year-olds, lose 100 games, nuke their own fan base, and somehow blame it on not having their new stadium yet. I see." Kurkjian then made a note to himself to pick the Marlins to win the World Series in 2015.

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