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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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This Apparently That Year Marlins Win World Series Again

MIAMI—After enduring five years of mediocrity since a 2003 World Series title that was itself preceded by five years of mediocrity, the Florida Marlins will evidently go ahead and win the World Series again if their 11-2 start to the season is any indication. "I guess they're doing that thing where no one will really completely believe in them all year, but they'll be unstoppable in the playoffs, beat some interesting team like the Cubs along the way, and win it all," broadcaster Tim Kurkjian said. "Then I guess they'll sell off all their good players, play a bunch of 17-year-olds, lose 100 games, nuke their own fan base, and somehow blame it on not having their new stadium yet. I see." Kurkjian then made a note to himself to pick the Marlins to win the World Series in 2015.

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