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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?
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This Last Story Ever Written About Cycling

AIGLE, SWITZERLAND —In the wake of overwhelming allegations that he engaged in illegal doping throughout the course of his professional career, cyclist Lance Armstrong was stripped of his seven Tour de France titles Monday, effectively making this article the last story ever written about the sport of cycling.

This one, right here, sources confirmed.

Accepting the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency’s sanctions against Armstrong for allegedly overseeing a far-reaching doping conspiracy, the International Cycling Union has erased his name from the record books and banned him from the sport for life, marking an ignoble epilogue to the athlete’s career and ensuring that cycling will never be mentioned in a mainstream news publication ever again, because, what’s the point?

“Given the staggering body of evidence and testimony against Armstrong, we cannot advocate sanctions any more lenient than these,” ICU president Pat McQuaid said Monday at a press conference in which reporters who had covered cycling since Armstrong won his first Tour title in 1999 exchanged farewells with one another. “But while his conduct has dealt a heavy blow to cycling, we are confident that—actually, why am I even here anymore? Lance Armstrong is done and cycling is over.”

“I understand why you’re all walking out of this press conference,” McQuaid added. “I would be too.”

According to sources and basic common sense, now that the storied career of cycling’s most prominent and marketable figure has been revealed as a complete and undeniable fraud, there is no chance the sport will ever again receive even one line of coverage from any news outlet in the world.

Though Armstrong has tarnished the unpopular sport’s reputation with drug trafficking, blood-test manipulation, and general moral hypocrisy, nothing else really needs to be reported on the subject. In fact, these statements, sources confirmed, are redundant and would have been removed in the editing process if anyone still gave a shit and didn’t just want this article to be over.

At press time, now that a few hundred words have been obligingly thrown together on the matter, this is reportedly the last paragraph in the last article ever written about cycling, and it will conclude with a few more words and then a final period.

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