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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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This So Typical Of Hemophiliac

TEMPE, AZ—Friends of Joshua Melman agreed Monday that the behavior displayed at the WildSlide Waterpark Sunday was "utterly typical" of the 19-year-old hemophiliac. "Before we can even go on one ride, Josh trips on his flip-flop and scuffs his toe on the cement," said Alex Schaeffer, who has had several outings ruined by Melman's congenital disease. "Would it kill the guy to clot once in a while?" Schaeffer added that the water-park debacle was worse than the time they played paintball, but not as bad as the lap-dance incident.

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