PHILADELPHIA—In response to the Vermont senator calling upon all Democrats to come together to assure the party’s victory in the presidential election this November, thousands of Bernie Sanders supporters were reportedly left deeply aggravated Monday after he didn’t use his Democratic National Convention speech to encourage voters to act against their own self-interest.
LAREDO, TX—This time—unlike the time you moved in with the alcoholic chick from New Jersey, the time you and your buddy stole those tires from that warehouse, or the time you ended up on Interstate 35 with only a five-dollar bill in your pocket—will be different, a visibly optimistic you asserted to yourself Monday. "I can honestly say that I've learned from my past mistakes, and I've really thought things through as much as I possibly can," you said, adding that this time you're sure you've got a foolproof moneymaking scheme to pay back all your debts to that guy Wayne. "The future is wide open, and things are really going to change, I can feel it." You further asserted that this time you would definitely not get the baby involved.