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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Thomas Edison Invents Marketing Other People's Ideas

Famed inventor Thomas Edison changed the face of modern life in 1879 when he devised the groundbreaking new process of taking ideas pioneered by other scientists and marketing them as his own. "Where would we all be today had the 'Wizard of Menlo Park' not discovered the basic formula for copying and repackaging the breakthroughs of others?" biographer Paul Israel said of the man who created the first marketable light bulb by borrowing freely from the patented work of inventors such as Joseph Wilson Swan and Henry Woodward. "Many tried before him, but only Edison had the vision, cunning, and sheer audacity to pull it off. Whenever anyone today piggybacks on the tireless ingenuity of another in a wanton act of self-promotion, they have Edison to thank."

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