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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Thomas Edison Invents Marketing Other People's Ideas

Famed inventor Thomas Edison changed the face of modern life in 1879 when he devised the groundbreaking new process of taking ideas pioneered by other scientists and marketing them as his own. "Where would we all be today had the 'Wizard of Menlo Park' not discovered the basic formula for copying and repackaging the breakthroughs of others?" biographer Paul Israel said of the man who created the first marketable light bulb by borrowing freely from the patented work of inventors such as Joseph Wilson Swan and Henry Woodward. "Many tried before him, but only Edison had the vision, cunning, and sheer audacity to pull it off. Whenever anyone today piggybacks on the tireless ingenuity of another in a wanton act of self-promotion, they have Edison to thank."

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