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Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.
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Thomas Edison Invents Marketing Other People's Ideas

Famed inventor Thomas Edison changed the face of modern life in 1879 when he devised the groundbreaking new process of taking ideas pioneered by other scientists and marketing them as his own. "Where would we all be today had the 'Wizard of Menlo Park' not discovered the basic formula for copying and repackaging the breakthroughs of others?" biographer Paul Israel said of the man who created the first marketable light bulb by borrowing freely from the patented work of inventors such as Joseph Wilson Swan and Henry Woodward. "Many tried before him, but only Edison had the vision, cunning, and sheer audacity to pull it off. Whenever anyone today piggybacks on the tireless ingenuity of another in a wanton act of self-promotion, they have Edison to thank."

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