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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Thomas Jefferson Impersonator Reenacts Famous Cell Phone Shouting Match With Wife

PHILADELPHIA—Pacing angrily behind Independence Hall, historical actor and Thomas Jefferson impersonator Tim Blodgett, 48, loudly reenacted the legendary cell phone shouting match between the nation's third president and his wife, sources reported Thursday. "For Christ's sake, Sheila, how many times do we have to go over this," hissed Blodgett, vividly bringing to life the historic scene exactly as it might have occurred more than 200 years ago. "Just tell your mother to call Time Warner and have someone come over and set up the goddamn box already. No, absolutely not—I'll be home when I'm home." After cursing beneath his breath, Blodgett painstakingly reenacted the time Thomas Jefferson got into his Honda Civic, drove to a nearby Bennigan's, and got "blackout drunk" with his buddy Mitch.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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