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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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Thousands Feared Born In Nigerian Population Explosion

LAGOS, NIGERIA— Emergency-management personnel are calling the population explosion that ripped through this already densely populated coastal city last week "an unparalleled natural disaster" and fear the mounting life toll will only grow as tiny bodies are discovered among the human wreckage.

Lagos in the aftermath of one of Nigeria's largest population explosions on record.

"It's hard to put into words what we're seeing here," said Dr. Marceline Klurfeld, a World Health Organization pediatrician who was assisting in relief efforts but found herself "utterly helpless" to stop the senseless beginning of human life she saw unfold around her. "You can't comprehend the effect that a wave of impregnation of this magnitude can have on a country like Nigeria. The long-term consequences are yet to be seen, but I fear it won't recover from this disaster for decades, if ever."

Nigeria's population, already the highest in Africa, is believed to have increased by eight percent in the wake of the explosion. With hundreds still clinging to life, that number is only expected to rise.

UN officials remain unsure what caused the population explosion, but point out that border disputes with neighboring Chad and Niger have temporarily cooled heroin and cocaine trafficking, and mass slaughter at the hands of a traditionally military government has fallen to its lowest levels in 18 years.

"What we saw was an almost immediate spike in the birth rate that ejected thousands—perhaps tens of thousands—of human beings into an inhospitable, frequently toxic environment," said Health Minister Olsann Danseidalu. "What's more, this burst of fecundity scattered human debris across the nation—debris infected with hepatitis A, typhoid fever, meningococcal meningitis, lassa fever, and malaria."

According to Danseidalu, only a fortunate 110 of every 1,000 were unable to survive the tragedy.

Nigerian orphans of the explosion must now face its terrible consequences.

The human fallout is expected to produce crippling long-term effects for Nigeria, including continuing devastation of the nation's crops, already-inadequate drinking water, a vanishing rainforest, further strain on its barely existent infrastructure, and increasing quantities of raw sewage flowing into crowded streets.

"The products of the population explosion have an estimated 27-year half-life, and there's every chance that their presence in the Nigerian environment could trigger future explosions," Klurfeld said. "All we can do now is try to help the living cope with the aftermath."

"At the rate new lives are accumulating, we just can't keep up," said Nigerian Air Vice Marshal Femi Gbadebo, who has, over the years, helped save thousands from the horrors of ongoing Nigerian life. "We will redouble our efforts, but this is human fertility at a level that even our most aggressive military initiatives cannot contain. Our armies don't have the budget or equipment to mount life-stoppage efforts on the scale these people need."

Further exacerbating the tragedy is the knowledge that the explosion could have been prevented, or at least controlled, with a simple and effective stopgap, according to Klurfeld. "A distribution program of good-quality, eight-cent rubber gaskets, which have proved successful in other nations, could have stopped this nightmare from ever occurring," she said.

Danseidalu, currently touring the disaster area, called the scene "a tragic torrent of life."

"I can't tell you which of the horrific sights I have witnessed is the most heart-rending—the squalor in the camps, the frightened cries of the newly born, or the defeated, broken looks on the faces of those who realize they're going to live," Danseidalu said.

"No mother wants to outlive her child," said 24-year-old Bayo Ogholi, a victim of the explosion and mother of a newborn baby. "So I am praying that God will spare both of us from this hell on Earth."

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