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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.
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Thousands Of Abandoned, Foreclosed Homes Threatened By Florida Hurricane

Potential for the storm to decrease property values has long since been irrelevant.
Potential for the storm to decrease property values has long since been irrelevant.

FORT MYERS, FL—In what forecasters are predicting will be the largest, most devastating disaster to hit Florida since the national economy collapsed, a Category 5 hurricane neared the Gulf coast this week, threatening thousands of repossessed and long deserted homes.

According to meteorologists, the incoming tropical storm could leave as many as 3 million residents every bit as homeless as they've been for the past year or so.

"Those who haven't already lost everything to the housing-market crash are urged to evacuate their homes immediately," said Robert Menken, head meteorologist at the National Weather Bureau. "That should be about 10 or 12 of you. Everyone else, please stay where you are, probably on the couch of some in-law who lives near Atlanta."

In preparation for the hurricane's landfall, the Emergency Broadcast System issued a number of safety warnings early Sunday. Due to expected high winds and torrential rain, citizens are advised to keep their windows and doors boarded up, as they pretty much have been through most of 2009.

In addition, any cars that have not been repossessed by local banks, or sold in a frantic daze by debt-ridden residents, are to be kept off the streets to prevent any further damage.

Many local residents fear for the structural integrity of the self-storage units where their families' belongings have been kept for months.

Floridians currently living out of their cars are likewise being ordered to pray for the best.

"I can't believe I would have had to leave my house behind had I not been evicted nine months ago," said Dale West, one of countless citizens who grabbed family members and rushed to the safety of a nearby church basement last April. "Just think of all the things I could have potentially lost had I still had them!"

"Dear God," West added. "How could something like this have already happened to me?"

The massive mile-wide storm system is expected to cause more than $120 million in damage to recently seized property, destroy hundreds of acres of highly leveraged land, and knock out power to thousands of homes that have been totally dark for weeks now.

Massive floods are also expected in the next few days, threatening to cut off dozens of unused roads and destroy prized possessions long ago abandoned and forgotten about.

"It's a ghost town around here," said Fort Myers native Carol Hodge, who saw some of the neighborhood's last few squatters flee on Monday. "Or, rather, more of a ghost town. People haven't really lived in this county since 2008."

At press time, emergency crews from seven Florida counties and representatives from FEMA had already been dispatched to the default-ravaged state, though many said they believed the damage would be insurmountable.

"We rushed here as fast as we could, but it looks like we're too late," Bradenton EMT John Sarvis said as he looked over countless For Sale sign–riddled lawns and vacant model homes. "All the way from Vero Beach to Fort Lauderdale, it's an absolute wasteland. I doubt anyone will ever be able to live here again."

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