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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Thousands Of Americans To Notice First Signs Of Dementia While Visiting Parents Over Holiday

WASHINGTON—Noting that the experience is sure to be extremely upsetting, a new report has found that thousands of Americans will likely notice the first signs of their parents’ dementia while visiting over the holidays. “Shortly after arriving home from the airport, an estimated tens of thousands of adults will invariably witness one or both parents forget something that just happened, misremember details of their lives that have been discussed hundreds of times before, or momentarily lose track of what they were doing right in the middle of an action,” lead author Dr. Tim Belarde wrote in the report, adding that 80 percent will see their parents write down incorrect information on a calendar, 65 percent will hear their mothers refer to a completely nonexistent event from childhood, and half will observe their father mixing up siblings’ names. “For the remainder of their vacations, these Americans will spend hours carefully observing their parents for further signs of mental decline and then convince themselves that any brain lapses were anomalies due to the stress of the holidays, ultimately leaving with dozens of unsettling memories they will repress in an effort to deny the inevitable.” At press time, sources reported that an estimated 40,000 mothers had just asked their children to resend their flight itineraries for the fourth time.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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