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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Thousands Of Americans To Notice First Signs Of Dementia While Visiting Parents Over Holiday

WASHINGTON—Noting that the experience is sure to be extremely upsetting, a new report has found that thousands of Americans will likely notice the first signs of their parents’ dementia while visiting over the holidays. “Shortly after arriving home from the airport, an estimated tens of thousands of adults will invariably witness one or both parents forget something that just happened, misremember details of their lives that have been discussed hundreds of times before, or momentarily lose track of what they were doing right in the middle of an action,” lead author Dr. Tim Belarde wrote in the report, adding that 80 percent will see their parents write down incorrect information on a calendar, 65 percent will hear their mothers refer to a completely nonexistent event from childhood, and half will observe their father mixing up siblings’ names. “For the remainder of their vacations, these Americans will spend hours carefully observing their parents for further signs of mental decline and then convince themselves that any brain lapses were anomalies due to the stress of the holidays, ultimately leaving with dozens of unsettling memories they will repress in an effort to deny the inevitable.” At press time, sources reported that an estimated 40,000 mothers had just asked their children to resend their flight itineraries for the fourth time.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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