adBlockCheck

Thousands Of Athletes Who Will Disgrace Countries Eagerly Training For Winter Olympics

Top Headlines

Recent News

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Thousands Of Athletes Who Will Disgrace Countries Eagerly Training For Winter Olympics

Just four of the athletes currently training to utterly humiliate themselves in the eyes of their countrymen at this year’s Winter Olympics.
Just four of the athletes currently training to utterly humiliate themselves in the eyes of their countrymen at this year’s Winter Olympics.

SOCHI, RUSSIA—With the most high-profile competition of their careers just weeks away, thousands of athletes who will ultimately disgrace and embarrass their respective home countries are eagerly completing their training for the 2014 Winter Olympics, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Carrying the hopes and dreams of their nations, these men and women reportedly continue to rise before dawn every day to engage in rigorous workouts while unaware that nearly all of them will soon humiliate both themselves and their homeland in front of every nation on earth.

“I’m so thrilled to have qualified for Sochi, but I know I really need to maintain my focus these last few weeks,” said Pavel Navitski of Belarus, a luger and, according to sources, one of many, many Olympians whose family and friends will shun him for years, if not the rest of his life, after he completely strips his country of its pride on the world’s biggest stage. “It’s been a tough road, but I’ve been working toward this goal my whole life, and I know it will all be worth it in the end.”

“I’m honored to be representing Belarus,” the future public disgrace added.

Reports indicated that while millions of their countrymen look on with bated breath, these athletes will experience a deep, burning shame as they finish milliseconds behind in races, barely miss slalom gates, and land inches short on ski jumps, crushing the collective spirits of their native lands. The names of these participants, hundreds upon hundreds of whom will not even make it to the semifinals of their events, will soon become, and forever remain, euphemisms for disappointment, defeat, and incompetency in their countries of origin, sources added.

With athletes still fine-tuning their skills through obsessive training regimens and endless practice runs, observers noted that the footage of their soon-to-arrive deflating moments will be constantly replayed during the lead-up to every subsequent Winter Olympics as a reminder of their dishonor.

“These young men and women have dedicated so much of their lives to competing in these games, and we’re all very excited to see their hard work pay off,” said U.S. ski trainer Adam Yang, referring to the collection of individuals whose failure and shame will immortalize them as despised figures amongst those who once trumpeted them as heroes and held them up as exemplars of personal dedication and sacrifice. “Now they get to go out, compete, and enjoy the spirit of the Olympic Games.”

“It really is wonderful,” he added.

After training a minimum of six hours a day for more than a decade, and with the self-respect of an entire nation hinging upon them, many of those competing at Sochi will suffer utter embarrassment and fall into permanent disrepute as the result of a single error in their performance, sources confirmed, and they will never again find the courage to take on another challenge of any kind, athletic or otherwise, as long as they live.

Longstanding stains upon the dignity of their native lands, these has-been Olympians will reportedly live out the remainder of their days as alcoholic recluses.

“I’ve given all I can give to get to this point,” said Israeli figure skater Rebekah Abramovich, who, at 15, is young enough that she may, after completely disgracing herself in Russia, have the opportunity to humiliate herself all over again at the 2018 Winter Games in South Korea, as heartbreaking as that sounds. “And now I’m just going to go out there and do my best.”

“I’ve been dreaming of this moment since I was a little girl,” she added.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close