adBlockCheck

Thousands Of Athletes Who Will Disgrace Countries Eagerly Training For Winter Olympics

Top Headlines

Recent News

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Thousands Of Athletes Who Will Disgrace Countries Eagerly Training For Winter Olympics

Just four of the athletes currently training to utterly humiliate themselves in the eyes of their countrymen at this year’s Winter Olympics.
Just four of the athletes currently training to utterly humiliate themselves in the eyes of their countrymen at this year’s Winter Olympics.

SOCHI, RUSSIA—With the most high-profile competition of their careers just weeks away, thousands of athletes who will ultimately disgrace and embarrass their respective home countries are eagerly completing their training for the 2014 Winter Olympics, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Carrying the hopes and dreams of their nations, these men and women reportedly continue to rise before dawn every day to engage in rigorous workouts while unaware that nearly all of them will soon humiliate both themselves and their homeland in front of every nation on earth.

“I’m so thrilled to have qualified for Sochi, but I know I really need to maintain my focus these last few weeks,” said Pavel Navitski of Belarus, a luger and, according to sources, one of many, many Olympians whose family and friends will shun him for years, if not the rest of his life, after he completely strips his country of its pride on the world’s biggest stage. “It’s been a tough road, but I’ve been working toward this goal my whole life, and I know it will all be worth it in the end.”

“I’m honored to be representing Belarus,” the future public disgrace added.

Reports indicated that while millions of their countrymen look on with bated breath, these athletes will experience a deep, burning shame as they finish milliseconds behind in races, barely miss slalom gates, and land inches short on ski jumps, crushing the collective spirits of their native lands. The names of these participants, hundreds upon hundreds of whom will not even make it to the semifinals of their events, will soon become, and forever remain, euphemisms for disappointment, defeat, and incompetency in their countries of origin, sources added.

With athletes still fine-tuning their skills through obsessive training regimens and endless practice runs, observers noted that the footage of their soon-to-arrive deflating moments will be constantly replayed during the lead-up to every subsequent Winter Olympics as a reminder of their dishonor.

“These young men and women have dedicated so much of their lives to competing in these games, and we’re all very excited to see their hard work pay off,” said U.S. ski trainer Adam Yang, referring to the collection of individuals whose failure and shame will immortalize them as despised figures amongst those who once trumpeted them as heroes and held them up as exemplars of personal dedication and sacrifice. “Now they get to go out, compete, and enjoy the spirit of the Olympic Games.”

“It really is wonderful,” he added.

After training a minimum of six hours a day for more than a decade, and with the self-respect of an entire nation hinging upon them, many of those competing at Sochi will suffer utter embarrassment and fall into permanent disrepute as the result of a single error in their performance, sources confirmed, and they will never again find the courage to take on another challenge of any kind, athletic or otherwise, as long as they live.

Longstanding stains upon the dignity of their native lands, these has-been Olympians will reportedly live out the remainder of their days as alcoholic recluses.

“I’ve given all I can give to get to this point,” said Israeli figure skater Rebekah Abramovich, who, at 15, is young enough that she may, after completely disgracing herself in Russia, have the opportunity to humiliate herself all over again at the 2018 Winter Games in South Korea, as heartbreaking as that sounds. “And now I’m just going to go out there and do my best.”

“I’ve been dreaming of this moment since I was a little girl,” she added.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close