adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
End Of Section
  • More News

Thousands Of College Football Players Expected To Play Through Season With Broken NCAA System

INDIANAPOLIS—Asserting that the tenacious athletes are prepared to tough it out just as they have in recent years, officials confirmed Wednesday that thousands of collegiate football players are expected to play through the upcoming season with a badly broken NCAA system. “Though these guys are struggling to perform with a system that is barely functional at this point, it’s a testament to their resiliency and heart that they’ll be suiting up for us this year,” NCAA president Mark Emmert told reporters, emphasizing that the players are prepared to give it their all despite telltale symptoms of a fractured athletic association further compounded by a totally unstable compensation structure. “Given the severity of the situation, a lot of people don’t think these guys should even be taking the field in the first place, but I’m confident that they’ll be able to play through it. Obviously at some point we’re going to have to just go in there and completely rebuild it. The good news, at least, is that the damage can’t possibly get any worse.” Emmert added that in the event that playing with a broken NCAA system leads to any career-ending injuries, the athletes are easily replaceable.

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close