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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Thousands Of College Football Players Expected To Play Through Season With Broken NCAA System

INDIANAPOLIS—Asserting that the tenacious athletes are prepared to tough it out just as they have in recent years, officials confirmed Wednesday that thousands of collegiate football players are expected to play through the upcoming season with a badly broken NCAA system. “Though these guys are struggling to perform with a system that is barely functional at this point, it’s a testament to their resiliency and heart that they’ll be suiting up for us this year,” NCAA president Mark Emmert told reporters, emphasizing that the players are prepared to give it their all despite telltale symptoms of a fractured athletic association further compounded by a totally unstable compensation structure. “Given the severity of the situation, a lot of people don’t think these guys should even be taking the field in the first place, but I’m confident that they’ll be able to play through it. Obviously at some point we’re going to have to just go in there and completely rebuild it. The good news, at least, is that the damage can’t possibly get any worse.” Emmert added that in the event that playing with a broken NCAA system leads to any career-ending injuries, the athletes are easily replaceable.

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