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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Thousands Of College Football Players Expected To Play Through Season With Broken NCAA System

INDIANAPOLIS—Asserting that the tenacious athletes are prepared to tough it out just as they have in recent years, officials confirmed Wednesday that thousands of collegiate football players are expected to play through the upcoming season with a badly broken NCAA system. “Though these guys are struggling to perform with a system that is barely functional at this point, it’s a testament to their resiliency and heart that they’ll be suiting up for us this year,” NCAA president Mark Emmert told reporters, emphasizing that the players are prepared to give it their all despite telltale symptoms of a fractured athletic association further compounded by a totally unstable compensation structure. “Given the severity of the situation, a lot of people don’t think these guys should even be taking the field in the first place, but I’m confident that they’ll be able to play through it. Obviously at some point we’re going to have to just go in there and completely rebuild it. The good news, at least, is that the damage can’t possibly get any worse.” Emmert added that in the event that playing with a broken NCAA system leads to any career-ending injuries, the athletes are easily replaceable.

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