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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Thousands Of Eggs Pushed Out Of Nests After Birds Legalize Abortion

Birds all across the country are already taking advantage of the controversial new law.
Birds all across the country are already taking advantage of the controversial new law.

WASHINGTON—Following the Bird Supreme Court’s decisive 7-2 ruling to overturn the avian world’s longstanding anti-abortion law, millions of birds across the nation were granted reproductive rights Thursday, prompting thousands to forego parenthood by fatally pushing eggs from their nests.

“It is the finding of this court that stewardship over one’s body and nest shall be the province of the individual,” wrote Cheep Justice William Hootkins in his majority ruling, which empowers U.S. birds to terminate incubation at any point prior to the hatching of offspring. “The right to privacy and security in a bird’s affairs extend not only to the individual twigs comprising one’s nest, but to their offspring or elective lack thereof.”

The landmark ruling, avian law experts confirmed, ends the long-established ban on procedures that involve the removal or expulsion of an egg from a nest. Bird abortion is commonly facilitated by a variety of methods that can include rolling an egg over the side of a nest or thrusting a developing embryo from the roost with the aid of a small stick, feet, or beak.

In the hours since the decision, numerous bird-watchers and ornithologists witnessed sparrows, crows, hawks, and countless other feathered creatures overturning their nests and dropping the eggs for which they are no longer legally responsible. According to numerous reports, a significant amount of the nation’s ground is currently strewn with eggshell fragments, dried albumen, yolk splatter, and the remains of partially developed chick embryos.

Though opponents maintain that birdhood begins at egg laying, the monumental decision comes as welcome news by progressive birds nationwide. In a major demonstration, thousands of excited thrushes, swallows, and larks showed up at the National Mall to loudly chirp their support for the ruling.

“This is a major victory,” said a chestnut-tailed starling while preparing to dump the contents of her nest from the crook of a fir tree. “I have ambitions for my life, and managing a single-parent nest simply does not fit into that plan.”

“There is no place for a cabal of old, multicolored males to tell me what I can and cannot do with my life,” added the chestnut-tailed starling. “It’s not fair that I should be burdened with raising a chick I don’t want.”

The verdict marks the end of the controversial Crow v. Laid case in which an unmarried female raven in California sued for the right to safely destroy her unhatched chicks. Pro-egg advocates argued vehemently against legalization, saying the rights of a viable potential bird supersede parental quality-of-life issues.

Bird legislators passed laws in 2003 barring so-called partial-hatch abortions, in which a developing embryo is removed from the shell prior to termination, and restricted abortions to cases of rape or a human handling the eggs.

Despite the ruling, dissenters have expressed concerns that birds have taken a huge step backwards, claiming that an abortion is not a suitable method for flock planning.

“This is a barbaric practice, pure and simple,” said a western meadowlark native to North Dakota. “When I stare into the gaping throats of my sweet babies, I just think, how could I do anything but regurgitate chewed-up bugs and grubs into them? Anything else would be savage.”

At press time, lobbyists representing the interests of stoats and weasels applauded the legalization of egg dumping.

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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