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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Thousands Of High-School Sweethearts Prepare For Post-Graduation Breakup

WASHINGTON, DC—In a time-honored annual ritual, thousands of high-school seniors across the nation are cramming for final exams, trying on their graduation gowns, and preparing to break up with their longtime sweethearts.

Jeff Reidel and Amy Pocoroba, one of the nation's soon-to-break-up couples.

"Amy is an amazing girl," said Lancaster (OH) High School senior Jeff Reidel, who next week is planning to break up with Amy Pocoroba, his girlfriend of three and a half years. "I know we swore we'd be together forever, but, like me, she's got a lot of exciting opportunities ahead of her, and it just wouldn't be fair to her to keep her tied down."

Brianna Milbank, 17, a senior at Eisenhower High School in Prescott, AZ, said she plans to break up with boyfriend Chris Keegan in mid-July.

"We've already got plans for a July 4 camping trip that I'm really excited about, so I definitely want to wait until after that," Milbank said. "Chris is such an incredible guy, and these last two years have been amazing. But I just don't think I can give him what he needs right now."

As the seniors take one last look around the halls where they spent the past four years, they are also pausing to take one last look at the significant others they are about to dump.

"Amanda has the most beautiful eyes," said Trevor Hillegas of girlfriend Amanda Lum. "I can't tell you how many times I've gazed into them, thinking they were the only ones I'd ever want to look into. But that was before I visited UC–Santa Cruz. The chicks there are so hot, it's not even funny."

Hillegas said he has not closed the door on the possibility of getting back together with Lum, noting that he would still be open to the idea of the occasional hook-up with her while home during college breaks.

For most high-school seniors, graduation is the time when they cast off the remnants of childhood while accepting the challenges of adulthood. So, too, must they cast off the adolescent relationships forged by convenience, geographic proximity, and limited social opportunity.

A break-up note written from Omro (WI) High School senior Ronny Peltz to girlfriend Rachel Wohle.

"Jenny [Sykes] is the most beautiful girl in this school," said Brent Decker, a senior at Lake Winola (PA) High School. "But our school has only 220 students, and Penn State has, like, 40,000. There's no way she'd be the most beautiful on that campus."

Meanwhile, those slated to receive the dumpings remain confident that their relationships will endure.

"I love Zach so much," said Batavia (NY) High School senior Lisa Bracken, whose boyfriend, Zach Renfro, is joining the Navy after graduation. "He says he loves me, too, and that he'll try to get stationed near Boston where I'm going to college. I'm sure it'll all work out in the end."

Bracken added that she has not ruled out the possibility of getting pregnant with Renfro's child.

As yearbooks are passed around, signed with promises of remembrance and enduring friendship, so, too, do the seniors promise never to forget what they shared with their future ex-soulmates.

"No matter what happens, Jeff and I will always be close," said Christine Foulks, a Phoenix-area senior who plans to "break the news" to boyfriend Jeff Vanderploeg after their June 22 prom. "I just hope he doesn't expect me to give him his varsity jacket back. Or his Dave Matthews CDs."

Standing in stark contrast to the seniors are the nation's high-school juniors, who expressed horror over their elders' willingness to turn their backs on true love.

"There's no way that's ever going to happen to us," said Mindy Ostrove, 16, a junior at Tallahassee Central High School. "Matt and I are forever. Nobody else could ever understand me like he does. Nobody."

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

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