Thousands Of New Orleans Households Still Without Political Power

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Vol 41 Issue 52

Saturn Probe To Be Biggest Story Of The Year

PASADENA, CA—A mere two weeks into the New Year, already what will undoubtedly be the biggest story of the year will have taken place: the upcoming Jan. 14 landing of the Huygens space probe on Titan, Saturn's immense moon.

Well-Rested Bush At The Top Of His Game

CRAWFORD, TX—Fit, trim, confident in his power base, and above all well-rested following a four-week, three-day vacation at his Crawford ranch, President Bush is currently in the prime of his presidential form, pundits say.

April Comes To A Close

WASHINGTON, DC—Experts at the Naval Observatory report that April, as it has every year at this time since records were kept, is progressing to an end.

Deep Fruit Revealed To Be Charles Nelson Reilly

NEW YORK—The identity of Deep Fruit, the source that brought down a studio audience in the Waterblank scandal in 1973, was revealed to be actor and Match Game panelist Charles Nelson Reilly, in an article published in Vanity Fair today.

Tracking Bush's Approval Rating

In 2005, the nation's confidence in President Bush reached an all-time low. What are the events that triggered the most significant changes in his approval rating?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Healthy Eating

Thousands Of New Orleans Households Still Without Political Power

Refugees in New Orleans wait in vain for their political power to be restored.

NEW ORLEANS (Dec. 18)—Nearly four months since Hurricane Katrina hit ground along the Central Gulf Coast, 40 percent of New Orleans households remain powerless. "We are dealing with a superstructure created more than two centuries ago," government spokesman Jason Packer told powerless residents of New Orleans' still-dark 9th Ward. "Unfortunately, there is no connection we can repair to bring any of you political power at this time, but we are hoping to correct this sometime over the next 50 to 100 years." Packer added that the blame really does not rest with him, as many of Katrina's victims have been powerless for as many as six generations.

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