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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Thousands Of New Orleans Households Still Without Political Power

Refugees in New Orleans wait in vain for their political power to be restored.

NEW ORLEANS (Dec. 18)—Nearly four months since Hurricane Katrina hit ground along the Central Gulf Coast, 40 percent of New Orleans households remain powerless. "We are dealing with a superstructure created more than two centuries ago," government spokesman Jason Packer told powerless residents of New Orleans' still-dark 9th Ward. "Unfortunately, there is no connection we can repair to bring any of you political power at this time, but we are hoping to correct this sometime over the next 50 to 100 years." Packer added that the blame really does not rest with him, as many of Katrina's victims have been powerless for as many as six generations.

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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

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