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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Thousands Of New Orleans Households Still Without Political Power

Refugees in New Orleans wait in vain for their political power to be restored.

NEW ORLEANS (Dec. 18)—Nearly four months since Hurricane Katrina hit ground along the Central Gulf Coast, 40 percent of New Orleans households remain powerless. "We are dealing with a superstructure created more than two centuries ago," government spokesman Jason Packer told powerless residents of New Orleans' still-dark 9th Ward. "Unfortunately, there is no connection we can repair to bring any of you political power at this time, but we are hoping to correct this sometime over the next 50 to 100 years." Packer added that the blame really does not rest with him, as many of Katrina's victims have been powerless for as many as six generations.

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