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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Three Dozen Confirmed *@@## In Power Plant *@@##

*@@## PROVINCE—Emergency *@@## reported to the scene of a most *@@## early @## morning, pulling several *@@## bodies from the ensuing @## that erupted without *@@## or *@@##. The *@@##, believed to have been caused by a *@@##%#@, spilling *@@## among the faulty *@@##, and allowing high-grade *@@## to *@@## for miles, is the third such *@@## *@@## of *@@## in *@@##. "&%^*@@## *@@## devastating aftermath," stated *@@## Plant Supervisor *@@##, who received orders from *@@## under the *@@## *@@## and must now accept *@@##. "*@@##*@@##." Citizens should *@@## radiation *@@## sloughing off *@@## on the operating table.

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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