Three More Syrians Killed As Tom Weighs Merits Of Drafting Neil Rackers

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Vol 47 Issue 36

Community Devastated By Sight Of Old Man Struggling To Walk Up Steps

UNIONTOWN, PA—An elderly man currently struggling to walk up a flight of steps at the local post office has rocked this community of nearly 12,000 people, leaving many shaken and devastated by the slow-moving, wheezing octogenarian's inability to perform what was once an effortless physical task, sources confirmed Thursday.

House Condescendingly Approves $400 In Added Stimulus

WASHINGTON—Following President Obama’s speech on the state of the U.S. economy Thursday, House Republicans patronizingly approved an additional $400 in added fiscal stimulus and then sarcastically urged the nation to use the money to go fill in a pothole or fix a broken streetlight.
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Three More Syrians Killed As Tom Weighs Merits Of Drafting Neil Rackers

EMPORIA, KS—Three civilians attending a pro-democracy demonstration in Syria were shot dead by their government’s armed forces Tuesday while local man Tom Burchett was reportedly trying to decide whether or not to draft Neil Rackers with his fantasy football team’s sixteenth-round pick. “Rackers was pretty stellar last year from long yardage, and this league gives you extra points for those,” Burchett, 34, said as dying Syrians realized with their last flickers of dwindling consciousness that they would never experience human freedom. “I could go with another sleeper wideout here, but my worry is there will be a run on kickers now that Greg and Dustin have both picked one.” As several hundred more Syrians decided to join the protests and risk their lives, Burchett finally decided to draft Rackers, calling it the most difficult choice he’s made all year and a risk he hopes he won’t regret.

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