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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
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Three More Syrians Killed As Tom Weighs Merits Of Drafting Neil Rackers

EMPORIA, KS—Three civilians attending a pro-democracy demonstration in Syria were shot dead by their government’s armed forces Tuesday while local man Tom Burchett was reportedly trying to decide whether or not to draft Neil Rackers with his fantasy football team’s sixteenth-round pick. “Rackers was pretty stellar last year from long yardage, and this league gives you extra points for those,” Burchett, 34, said as dying Syrians realized with their last flickers of dwindling consciousness that they would never experience human freedom. “I could go with another sleeper wideout here, but my worry is there will be a run on kickers now that Greg and Dustin have both picked one.” As several hundred more Syrians decided to join the protests and risk their lives, Burchett finally decided to draft Rackers, calling it the most difficult choice he’s made all year and a risk he hopes he won’t regret.

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