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Thrill-Seeking Man Wonders How Long He Can Keep Up Dangerous Sedentary Lifestyle

The daredevil says nothing gives him more pleasure than engaging in highly dangerous acts, such as sitting in an office chair all day or lying prostrate on his couch.
The daredevil says nothing gives him more pleasure than engaging in highly dangerous acts, such as sitting in an office chair all day or lying prostrate on his couch.

PHOENIX—Acknowledging that it’s only a matter of time before his high-risk pursuits finally catch up to him, local thrill-seeker Daniel Erickson told reporters Wednesday that he often wonders just how long he can keep up his extremely hazardous sedentary lifestyle.

The 36-year-old IT specialist said that, while he lives for the exhilarating danger that comes from spending nearly every waking hour sitting at his computer, watching television, or playing with his smartphone in bed, he is fully aware that he is balancing on the razor’s edge with each passing, virtually immobile day.

“I’m skating on thin ice living my life like this, but chasing after those extreme risks is just in my blood,” said Erickson, who noted that spending the vast majority of his time in a slumped or fully recumbent position is all part of the nonstop game of chance that he thrives on. “I know that if I keep tempting fate by stretching out on the sofa all day, I’ll eventually pay the price, but I’m not someone who can do things halfway. If I’m going to play with fire by lying across those cushions every chance I get, then I’ve got to go all out, with as little bodily movement as possible. That’s just the way I am.”

“A lot of people want to play it safe by engaging in some kind of physical activity every now and then,” he continued. “Not me, though. I live for the rush.”

The adventure-seeker told reporters that getting absolutely no aerobic exercise has been a part of his devil-may-care attitude for most of his life, adding that he has been “pressing [his] luck” with prolonged periods of idleness for as long as he can remember.

Erickson explained that he continues to “roll the dice” in search of thrills on a daily basis, from his office job where he pushes himself to the limit by staring at the same screen for eight or more hours every day, to his domestic life, in which he ignores grave perils each night by sinking into his recliner with a box of Cheez-Its and remaining there virtually motionless long into the evening.

According to Erickson, he must constantly raise the stakes on his daredevil behavior to achieve the same pleasurable sensations he used to feel. The local man told reporters that he is now kicking back with his legs up on his coffee table or lying in his backyard hammock for longer periods of time than ever before in search of a greater and greater high.

“When I started out, I would take an occasional exhilarating midday nap, but I would always pull back from the edge by walking around the neighborhood or doing a little bit of yard work every so often. Now, though, that won’t cut it—I have to keep taking things to the next level,” said Erickson, noting that he is no longer content with spending merely four or five hours playing Xbox or watching only a portion of a daylong Breaking Bad marathon. “The thing is, sitting there for just the standard 8 p.m.-to-midnight block of primetime television just doesn’t carry the risk I need to get my adrenaline flowing anymore. Now, I’m pushing myself further than I’ve ever gone before, sometimes confining myself to the same spot on the couch for 16 hours at a time.”

As he continues to push the envelope with his increasingly dangerous sedentary behavior, Erickson readily admitted that he is putting his well-being at risk, conceding that his pulse-pounding stationary lifestyle might end up seriously hurting him one day or even sending him to an early grave.

“My girlfriend gets worried sick every time she sees me go out to the den with snacks in hand and then not come back for half a day or more,” said Erickson, adding that he is fully aware that he can only engage in the intoxicating thrill of spending an entire weekend watching multiple full seasons of a TV show on Netflix so many times before he winds up in the hospital. “And believe me, I realize that I’m walking a dangerous line every time I get my lunch order delivered straight to my cubicle or spend my entire Saturday lounging against my bed’s headboard reading back issues of Ultimate X-Men on my iPad. But taking these kinds of crazy risks is just part of who I am, and there’s no changing that.”

“Maybe I’m putting my life in jeopardy living the way I do,” he continued. “But I want to spend what time I have on earth doing what I love.”

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FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

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