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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Thrilling Duke-Albany Game Ends With Last-Second Buzzer

PHILADELPHIA—The first-round NCAA tournament game between 2nd-seeded Duke and 15th-seeded Albany ended in sensational fashion Friday after a buzzer sounded at the very last possible moment. “And there’s the buzzer! Wow, what a finish!” said CBS announcer Kevin Harlan, who noted that the decisive buzzer seemed to go off at the exact moment time expired. “Did it go off before the clock ran down? They’re looking at the replay now, but it looked to me like that buzzer went off just in time. Yes, the referees are confirming it went off with zero seconds on the clock.” With the result in the books, the all-time combined winning percentage of 2 and 15 seeds in the first round now stands at .500.

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