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Thriving 'Onion' Puts Another Print Edition Out Of Business

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Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

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Thriving 'Onion' Puts Another Print Edition Out Of Business

NEW YORK—Citing the publication’s ongoing struggle to compete in an industry long-dominated by thriving daily newspaper The Onion, officials from Newsweek magazine announced Thursday that they would cease print distribution at the end of the year, a move that makes their periodical the latest to succumb to the financial and editorial supremacy of America’s Finest News Source. “Newsweek has always endeavored to evolve and adapt in today’s challenging media landscape, but there is only so much you can do when you are in the same market as The Onion; readers eventually see how redundant and useless you are by comparison, and notice how inferior your journalism actually is,” Newsweek editor-in-chief Tina Brown said in a statement, adding that she prefers to get her news from The Onion, has applied for numerous jobs there over the years, and knows her applications have never made it past human resources because “I am simply not good enough to work there.” “In the past year alone, The Onion has expanded its print distribution to all 196 countries, generating untold profits in print advertising and bringing its total circulation to upwards of 3 billion. The print industry as a whole is facing an uphill battle when it comes to competing with The Onion, and that’s something we’ve had to accept today.” When reached for comment, The Onion’s publisher emeritus T. Herman Zweibel said, “It comes as little surprise to me that a news publication administered by the likes of a woman has failed. Good day.”

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