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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Thriving 'Onion' Puts Another Print Edition Out Of Business

NEW YORK—Citing the publication’s ongoing struggle to compete in an industry long-dominated by thriving daily newspaper The Onion, officials from Newsweek magazine announced Thursday that they would cease print distribution at the end of the year, a move that makes their periodical the latest to succumb to the financial and editorial supremacy of America’s Finest News Source. “Newsweek has always endeavored to evolve and adapt in today’s challenging media landscape, but there is only so much you can do when you are in the same market as The Onion; readers eventually see how redundant and useless you are by comparison, and notice how inferior your journalism actually is,” Newsweek editor-in-chief Tina Brown said in a statement, adding that she prefers to get her news from The Onion, has applied for numerous jobs there over the years, and knows her applications have never made it past human resources because “I am simply not good enough to work there.” “In the past year alone, The Onion has expanded its print distribution to all 196 countries, generating untold profits in print advertising and bringing its total circulation to upwards of 3 billion. The print industry as a whole is facing an uphill battle when it comes to competing with The Onion, and that’s something we’ve had to accept today.” When reached for comment, The Onion’s publisher emeritus T. Herman Zweibel said, “It comes as little surprise to me that a news publication administered by the likes of a woman has failed. Good day.”

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