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Thunderstorms Force PGA Organizers To Move Masters Indoors

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Rex, Rob Ryan Finally Get Bunk Beds They Always Wanted

BUFFALO, NY—Howling with excitement after seeing the brand-new furniture set in the corner of the bedroom they now share, Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan and his twin brother, recently hired Bills assistant head coach Rob Ryan, finally got the bunk beds they always wanted, sources confirmed Monday.

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet

FORT COLLINS, CO—Noting that the site devoted to the Colorado Rockies and their minor league affiliates had long ceased being updated without any explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local man Ben Gutowski’s defunct four-year-old sports blog, “The Rockies Report,” was still quietly lurking on the internet.

BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game

‘BCS Will Live Forever,’ Reads Text Suddenly Appearing On All Televisions, Computers, Phones Simultaneously

GLENDALE, AZ—Noting that all television feeds and online streams suddenly cut out simultaneously, sources confirmed that the BCS computer took over every single screen in the United States midway through Monday evening’s College Football Playoff National Championship Game between Alabama and Clemson.

Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

KENAI, AK—Sitting on a rock atop the powerful, churning rapids, a grizzly bear reportedly caught Michael Phelps in its jaws Tuesday as the sexually mature Olympian leaped out of the water while swimming upstream to spawn.

Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.

Punter Just Praying Returner Doesn’t Make It All The Way To Him

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Growing increasingly nervous as he contemplated being the team’s last line of defense, Tennessee Titans punter Brett Kern was reportedly praying Thursday that Jacksonville Jaguars returner Rashad Greene wouldn’t make it all the way down the field to him.

Defensive Tackle’s Innocence Shattered By Play-Action Pass

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying the eye-opening experience has forever altered his worldview, Buffalo Bills defensive tackle Marcell Dareus admitted to reporters Friday that a play-action pass play by the New York Jets had totally shattered his youthful innocence.

Royals Prove Doubters Who Were Still Paying Attention Wrong

NEW YORK—Having capped off their championship run with a 7-2 victory over the New York Mets in Game 5 Sunday night, members of the Kansas City Royals expressed their delight at silencing the doubters who still happened to be paying any attention to the World Series.

Keys To The Matchup: Mets vs. Royals

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Strongside/Weakside: Chase Utley

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Jadeveon Clowney Succumbs To Battle With Ankle Sprain

HOUSTON—Noting that the 22-year-old was a “wonderful young man who will be immensely missed by all who knew him,” the Houston Texans announced Thursday that linebacker Jadeveon Clowney tragically succumbed to his battle with a right-ankle sprain.

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Strongside/Weakside: Chip Kelly

Known as one of the most innovative minds in football, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly has implemented an offense that racks up huge numbers in the loss column. Is he any good?

Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game

‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says

NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are.

New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods

BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying that they hope to make traveling to and from football games more convenient and enjoyable, officials from the LSU athletic department announced Friday that the university will now offer a round-trip stadium shuttle bus to transport Tigers fans back to the woods.

Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility.

2015 NFL Season Preview

The 2015 NFL season is poised to be among the most memorable and eventful in league history, with several of the notable moments hopefully occurring on the field. Onion Sports breaks down everything you need to know before the season kicks off.

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Strongside/Weakside: Jose Mourinho

Having won titles in Spain, England, Italy, and Portugal, manager Jose Mourinho has cemented himself as one of the most successful megalomaniacs in soccer. Is he any good?

Having won titles in Spain, England, Italy, and Portugal, manager Jose Mourinho has cemented himself as one of the most successful megalomaniacs in soccer. Is he any good?

Highlights From NFL Training Camp

With preseason games underway and preparations intensifying across the league, the NFL has had no shortage of stories to keep fans occupied before the new season kicks off. Onion Sports breaks down the biggest moments from this summer’s training camp.
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Thunderstorms Force PGA Organizers To Move Masters Indoors

AUGUSTA, GA—Severe thunderstorms in the Richmond County area forced organizers to move the first round of the 2011 Masters indoors to nearby John M. Tutt Middle School, tournament chairman Billy Payne announced Thursday.

According to Payne, the school offers gorgeous corridors lined with rows of lockers, exquisitely manicured floors, panoramic vistas of breathtaking stairwells, sparkling water fountains, and classrooms lush with desks and chairs that create a stern test for the world's finest golfers.

"As soon as the heavy rain started falling, I knew we would have to move quickly to a secure indoor venue," said Payne, addressing reporters from the principal's office, which also serves as the course's opening tee. "It would have been a shame if weather forced us to cancel the Masters, but luckily Tutt Middle School is very close by and provides a spectacular setting for the tournament."

"From the 445-yard first hole, a challenging dogleg left down the math wing into the library, to the signature sixth hole, a tough little par three that starts up in the gym bleachers and ends in the boys' locker room shower, this environment will force competitors to summon all of their skills," Payne added.

John M. Tutt Middle School, an 18-hole, par-72 layout, was designed by Bobby Jones in 1959 and has more than 490 students enrolled in sixth through eighth grades. Thus far, participating golfers have said the course is playing fair, but that they've had difficulty adjusting to the low ceilings and walls.

Twenty-six-year-old tournament favorite Dustin Johnson was pleased by the way he was striking the ball, but ran into trouble on the par-three eighth hole, where he made a triple bogey after his ball ricocheted off the ceiling into the school's swimming pool. Despite his early struggles, Johnson salvaged the round with a strong finish on the back nine, sinking a 22-foot putt in the computer lab and executing a difficult chip shot over the stairs and into a urinal for an eagle on the par-five 17th hole.

"Tutt Middle School poses a unique challenge," Johnson said. "You really need to bring your A-game and know how to work the ball. If you're not hitting it well off the tee, you're in for a tough day. I saw some guys end up in Mr. Wandel's geography class on the par-five 12th [hole], and that's basically a two-stroke penalty right there."

"You can spend four shots alone trying to hack it out of all the desks," Johnson added.

Phil Mickelson, who provided dozens of highlights during the first round, looked relaxed and comfortable golfing in the gymnasium, guidance counselor's office, auditorium, and teachers' lounge. The three-time Masters winner pulled off a number of high-risk shots, blasting the ball out of a dense pile of wires behind the stage on the third hole, sticking a six iron from 215 yards away to make birdie on the famed "Mr. Martin's Band Room" hole, and finessing a miraculous punch shot from underneath a cafeteria table that helped him save par on the par-four ninth.

"Playing at Tutt Middle School re-energized my golf game," Mickelson said. "There's just something about that calming buzz of the florescent lights and the gentle breeze flowing from the air-conditioning vents that makes you feel really good about being in here."

Lee Westwood expressed frustration about playing inside the educational facility, claiming that his short game suffered because the gallery was much louder, making it hard to concentrate and read the greens, which he said provided an experience exactly like putting on linoleum floors.

"You would think that since we're indoors the greens would be flat, but there's a lot of break to them," Westwood said. "And I don't know if it's part of the course or not, but there is vomit in the fairway on the fifth hole."

Organizers confirmed this is not the first time the Masters tournament has been held in an indoor venue. In 1936, Horton Smith won his second Masters by narrowly avoiding several pallets of cereal and birdieing the final hole at the Kellogg's manufacturing plant in Augusta. In 2003, the Masters was moved to the nearby Delta Airlines reservations call center, where Canadian Mike Weir used a wedge to knock his ball free from a fax machine and sink a chip from 25 feet away.

"We are really just continuing to honor the beloved tradition of the Masters," Payne said. "When Bobby Jones originally founded the tournament, he attempted to buy a gold mine, intending to hold the tournament deep inside the shafts, but the deal fell through. So he settled for Augusta National."

As of press time, four-time Masters winner Tiger Woods took himself out of contention when he made a 33 on the 11th hole, breaking eight windows and killing two gallery members.

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