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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Thursday Cry Moved Up To Wednesday Due To Scheduling Conflict

BEVERLY, MA—Sources say that after an important work meeting was added to the usually free block of time she sets aside each Thursday to privately weep, Visor Solutions’ West Coast sales director Nina Caldwell moved her usual Thursday cry up to Wednesday morning to account for the scheduling conflict. “Our morning meeting ended early today, so luckily there was a safe 20-minute window that I could set aside for the long, hard cry I’d typically have tomorrow after checking in with [East Coast sales director] Ryan,” said the 32-year-old professional, who alternately whimpers, sobs, and outright bawls in a remote, soundproof room designated for conference calls every Thursday from 11 a.m. until 11:13 a.m. “I need about 10 minutes to unleash, three to pull myself together, and then another four or so to go to the bathroom and clean up my face. Thursdays are ideal because there’s enough pent-up frustrations from the week to fuel an extended cry, but Wednesdays work too.” Caldwell added that she had considered allotting 20 minutes of her lunch hour to crying, but ultimately decided against it as she didn’t want to eat into the time she dedicates to stressing out about money.

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