Thursday Cry Moved Up To Wednesday Due To Scheduling Conflict

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Vol 49 Issue 42

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Seven Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week seven games: Seahawks at Cardinals OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Cardinals – Backup quarterback Drew Stanton will lead...

Man Uses Air Conditioner To Attack Michael Bay

A man reportedly attacked Michael Bay on the set of Transformers 4 in Hong Kong by swinging an air conditioning unit at Bay’s head, though the director was able to avoid serious injury by ducking and then wrestling the appliance away from his...

Johnson & Johnson Introduces New Leave-In Q-Tips

A blood-soaked mayor Bloomberg announces that homelessness is no longer a problem in New York City, Guinness World Records promotes the man who can lift 27 pounds with his tongue to editor-in-chief, and a child sees no reason why his iron man costume can'...

God Reveals He Occasionally Eats Humans

THE HEAVENS—Speaking candidly during a rare interview this Thursday, God Almighty, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, revealed to the public that He occasionally eats human beings. The Supreme Being, who spoke to reporters today about His dietary habits,...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Comfort

  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Thursday Cry Moved Up To Wednesday Due To Scheduling Conflict

BEVERLY, MA—Sources say that after an important work meeting was added to the usually free block of time she sets aside each Thursday to privately weep, Visor Solutions’ West Coast sales director Nina Caldwell moved her usual Thursday cry up to Wednesday morning to account for the scheduling conflict. “Our morning meeting ended early today, so luckily there was a safe 20-minute window that I could set aside for the long, hard cry I’d typically have tomorrow after checking in with [East Coast sales director] Ryan,” said the 32-year-old professional, who alternately whimpers, sobs, and outright bawls in a remote, soundproof room designated for conference calls every Thursday from 11 a.m. until 11:13 a.m. “I need about 10 minutes to unleash, three to pull myself together, and then another four or so to go to the bathroom and clean up my face. Thursdays are ideal because there’s enough pent-up frustrations from the week to fuel an extended cry, but Wednesdays work too.” Caldwell added that she had considered allotting 20 minutes of her lunch hour to crying, but ultimately decided against it as she didn’t want to eat into the time she dedicates to stressing out about money.

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