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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Thursday Cry Moved Up To Wednesday Due To Scheduling Conflict

BEVERLY, MA—Sources say that after an important work meeting was added to the usually free block of time she sets aside each Thursday to privately weep, Visor Solutions’ West Coast sales director Nina Caldwell moved her usual Thursday cry up to Wednesday morning to account for the scheduling conflict. “Our morning meeting ended early today, so luckily there was a safe 20-minute window that I could set aside for the long, hard cry I’d typically have tomorrow after checking in with [East Coast sales director] Ryan,” said the 32-year-old professional, who alternately whimpers, sobs, and outright bawls in a remote, soundproof room designated for conference calls every Thursday from 11 a.m. until 11:13 a.m. “I need about 10 minutes to unleash, three to pull myself together, and then another four or so to go to the bathroom and clean up my face. Thursdays are ideal because there’s enough pent-up frustrations from the week to fuel an extended cry, but Wednesdays work too.” Caldwell added that she had considered allotting 20 minutes of her lunch hour to crying, but ultimately decided against it as she didn’t want to eat into the time she dedicates to stressing out about money.

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