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Thursday Cry Moved Up To Wednesday Due To Scheduling Conflict

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Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Coffee Stain On Shirt Not As Big A Deal This Morning

CHICAGO—Calmly brushing off the accident that would have normally left him incensed, local man Alex Perkins, 36, told reporters Tuesday that, all things considered, the fresh coffee stain on his shirt is not as big a deal this morning.
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Thursday Cry Moved Up To Wednesday Due To Scheduling Conflict

BEVERLY, MA—Sources say that after an important work meeting was added to the usually free block of time she sets aside each Thursday to privately weep, Visor Solutions’ West Coast sales director Nina Caldwell moved her usual Thursday cry up to Wednesday morning to account for the scheduling conflict. “Our morning meeting ended early today, so luckily there was a safe 20-minute window that I could set aside for the long, hard cry I’d typically have tomorrow after checking in with [East Coast sales director] Ryan,” said the 32-year-old professional, who alternately whimpers, sobs, and outright bawls in a remote, soundproof room designated for conference calls every Thursday from 11 a.m. until 11:13 a.m. “I need about 10 minutes to unleash, three to pull myself together, and then another four or so to go to the bathroom and clean up my face. Thursdays are ideal because there’s enough pent-up frustrations from the week to fuel an extended cry, but Wednesdays work too.” Caldwell added that she had considered allotting 20 minutes of her lunch hour to crying, but ultimately decided against it as she didn’t want to eat into the time she dedicates to stressing out about money.

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