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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Thwarting Of Arch Nemesis Leaves Sky Commander Feeling Empty

NEW YORK—From his secret headquarters high atop the Chrysler Building, Sky Commander Rex Brady said Monday that he has been filled with ennui ever since he apprehended his archenemy, The Nefarious Dr. Disaster. "What's the use?" said Commander Brady, slumped over H.I.L.D.A., his supercomputer and confidant. "Without him, I'm just another masked, muscle-bound, unemployed phony." H.I.L.D.A. responded by encouraging Brady to pursue his other interests, like helping needy children and learning how to prepare Mediterranean cuisine.

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