Tibetan Resistance Leaders Seize Yak

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Vol 31 Issue 09

Tom Bosley Named Secretary Of Naps

WASHINGTON, DC—Beloved veteran actor Tom Bosley, star of Happy Days and Father Dowling Mysteries, was appointed U.S. Secretary of Naps Tuesday. "I think the American people can be comfortable with Mr. Bosley's solid record on napping," President Clinton said. "He will serve our nation's napping interests well." Bosley's platform includes a 20-minute snooze at his desk during daylight hours, an occasional dozing-off toward the end of the day, and prolonged weekend lie-downs at home in the early evening hours, when, Bosley said, "I tend to get really sleepy."

Twentysomething Generation Turns 35

AUSTIN, TX—Advertising agencies across the nation reacted with shock Monday, when the U.S. Census Bureau revealed that the mean age of the "twentysomething generation" is now 35. According to the report, the twentysomethings are no longer 20- to 29-year-olds who wear ripped flannel shirts and "hang out" on college campuses. Most are now married and have full-time jobs. Todd Leaks, an Austin-area twentysomething, recently turned 36. "I was 28 when that book Generation X came out," he said. "Man, that was a while ago already." Labels previously ascribed to the twentysomethings, such as "Generation X" and "slackers," have now been transferred to those Americans born between 1968 and 1977, who have also adopted the clothing styles and musical tastes of the twentysomethings.

Visa Fires Bob Dole

NEW YORK—Credit-card giant Visa announced Tuesday that Bob Dole has been dropped from its current "No ID" advertising campaign. "The American people were just not responding to Bob Dole," Visa director of corporate communications Ron Landau said. "People found him to be depressing." When asked how he felt about being fired, Dole said, "I can say my line differently if you want. Tell me how I'm supposed to say my line." He then burst into tears.

Congress Approves $15 Billion MediCruelty

WASHINGTON, DC—With a rapidly aging populace in increasing need of medical care, Congress approved funding Monday for MediCruelty, a new system of health care which focuses on cruelty toward the elderly. "Care is very expensive," Sen. Al D'Amato (R-NY) said. "It will be much more cost-effective in the long run to be cruel to the elderly." The system will offer seniors Emergency Neglect Service, a 24-hour toll-free number that will connect to nowhere. Clearwater, FL, resident Gladys Rankin, 72, is already among the first recipients of MediCruelty. A rare bone disease has rendered her immobile, and treatments for her condition are very expensive. Under Medi-Cruelty, she was left outside her senior center near a back-alley dumpster Tuesday. "My bones hurt," Rankin said.

Firewood, Bread Top New Russian Agenda

MOSCOW—Russian leaders Monday unveiled their new agenda for the next several years: the procurement of firewood and bread. "Our homes are very cold," Kremlin official Igor Kerensky said. "Many of us have not eaten for days." The new agenda replaces a previous one, which involved the development of a technologically advanced, fully modernized nation-state capable of leading Europe into the 21st century. If the firewood plan is successful, within five years Russian leaders hope to shift their focus to obtaining running water and soap. "Do you have food?" Kerensky added. "I am very hungry."

Protecting The Police

In the wake of an ever-growing number of shootings of police officers, including last week's L.A. bank-robbery shootout, debate is raging over how to better protect our nation's law enforcement officials. What do you think?

Rules Grammar Change

WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Grammar Guild Monday announced that no more will traditional grammar rules English follow. Instead there will a new form of organizing sentences be.
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Tibetan Resistance Leaders Seize Yak

LHASA, TIBET—Seven members of the Tibetan Free People's Resistance Movement, acting in the name of "all citizens of occupied Tibet," seized a Chinese yak during a daylight raid Monday.

In an act of defiance against Chinese rule, Tibetan resistance leaders parade the "Freedom Yak" around the streets of Lhasa.

The raid is the most significant since July 1995, when a group of Tibetan nationalists stole a basket.

Striking from their secret base behind a tree, the seven non-violent freedom fighters were able to lay their hands upon the yak and seize it, shouting, "We hereby seize this yak in the name of the oppressed people of the Buddhist Republic of Tibet!" They then defiantly roped the yak to their tree/base, where it reportedly ate some grass.

Despite the freedom fighters' success, the group met with strong resistance early on in the raid. "The yak dug its hooves into the ground briefly before it would budge," said group member Dar Rhamsala. "For a moment, I feared the Chinese would prevail yet again."

"Let this Freedom Yak shine as a beacon of justice to all yaks and non-yak peoples alike," Rhamsala added. "We take this yak in defiance of the Chinese war machine. Let this yak suffer the boot of oppression no more!"

Emboldened by their success, the freedom fighters returned several hours later to "seal off" a full six-foot square area around the yak with a stick-drawn line in the dirt.

According to witnesses, the Tibetan resistance leaders' victory was momentarily placed in jeopardy when the yak chewed through its rope and began to wander off. "Fortunately," said freedom fighter Rama Parlhasarian, "using passive, non-violent pulling techniques we were able to drag it back to its spot within several hours."

Official Chinese reaction to the raid was subdued. "Yak? What are you talking about?" Chinese president Jiang Zemin said, speaking via messenger from his walled fortress in Beijing. "Whatever."

News of the incident soon reached the Dalai Lama. "Let love flow through your soul like a gentle river. Do not give in to hatred," said the Tibetan spiritual leader-in-exile, in a statement to the yak.

Within 24 hours of the yak seizure, dozens of small Tibetan villages were burned to the ground by Chinese tank battalions. In the capital city of Lhasa, 49 people were executed by Chinese intelligence. Additionally, helicopter brigades roamed the Tibetan countryside, shooting Tibetan activists.

The string of brutal attacks, however, had no connection to the yak incident. "That was a coincidence," Chinese army general Li Zhouang said. "We do that the second Tuesday of every month."

Tibetan sympathizers have been quick to praise the heroic freedom fighters. Actor Richard Gere, speaking from atop the yak, said, "These courageous people have shown that non-violent resistance is possible in a world torn by cruelty and war."

The yak is scheduled to be flown to Seattle Friday for this weekend's Concert For A Free Tibet, where it will perform songs with Bjork and the Beastie Boys' Adam Yauch.

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