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Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.
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Tibetan Resistance Leaders Seize Yak

LHASA, TIBET—Seven members of the Tibetan Free People's Resistance Movement, acting in the name of "all citizens of occupied Tibet," seized a Chinese yak during a daylight raid Monday.

In an act of defiance against Chinese rule, Tibetan resistance leaders parade the "Freedom Yak" around the streets of Lhasa.

The raid is the most significant since July 1995, when a group of Tibetan nationalists stole a basket.

Striking from their secret base behind a tree, the seven non-violent freedom fighters were able to lay their hands upon the yak and seize it, shouting, "We hereby seize this yak in the name of the oppressed people of the Buddhist Republic of Tibet!" They then defiantly roped the yak to their tree/base, where it reportedly ate some grass.

Despite the freedom fighters' success, the group met with strong resistance early on in the raid. "The yak dug its hooves into the ground briefly before it would budge," said group member Dar Rhamsala. "For a moment, I feared the Chinese would prevail yet again."

"Let this Freedom Yak shine as a beacon of justice to all yaks and non-yak peoples alike," Rhamsala added. "We take this yak in defiance of the Chinese war machine. Let this yak suffer the boot of oppression no more!"

Emboldened by their success, the freedom fighters returned several hours later to "seal off" a full six-foot square area around the yak with a stick-drawn line in the dirt.

According to witnesses, the Tibetan resistance leaders' victory was momentarily placed in jeopardy when the yak chewed through its rope and began to wander off. "Fortunately," said freedom fighter Rama Parlhasarian, "using passive, non-violent pulling techniques we were able to drag it back to its spot within several hours."

Official Chinese reaction to the raid was subdued. "Yak? What are you talking about?" Chinese president Jiang Zemin said, speaking via messenger from his walled fortress in Beijing. "Whatever."

News of the incident soon reached the Dalai Lama. "Let love flow through your soul like a gentle river. Do not give in to hatred," said the Tibetan spiritual leader-in-exile, in a statement to the yak.

Within 24 hours of the yak seizure, dozens of small Tibetan villages were burned to the ground by Chinese tank battalions. In the capital city of Lhasa, 49 people were executed by Chinese intelligence. Additionally, helicopter brigades roamed the Tibetan countryside, shooting Tibetan activists.

The string of brutal attacks, however, had no connection to the yak incident. "That was a coincidence," Chinese army general Li Zhouang said. "We do that the second Tuesday of every month."

Tibetan sympathizers have been quick to praise the heroic freedom fighters. Actor Richard Gere, speaking from atop the yak, said, "These courageous people have shown that non-violent resistance is possible in a world torn by cruelty and war."

The yak is scheduled to be flown to Seattle Friday for this weekend's Concert For A Free Tibet, where it will perform songs with Bjork and the Beastie Boys' Adam Yauch.

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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

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