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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Tick Scientists Confirm 2017 Summer Will Be Best On Record

WASHINGTON—Citing numerous encouraging projections from their research, the nation’s tick scientists confirmed Friday that the summer of 2017 would be the best on record. “All 900 species of tick, regardless of whether they’re hard or soft, should plan on enjoying the best summer of their lives thanks to the historically high heat and humidity levels we’re seeing in our calculations,” said the head tick scientist, a standard eight-legged American dog tick, explaining how the excellent season they’re expecting will provide optimal conditions in forest systems worldwide for the hematophagic parasites to lay eggs, metamorphosize, and hide amongst vegetation while waiting to climb onto passing hosts. “Above all others, this year presents ample opportunity for us to bite and possibly transmit diseases to thousands of different birds, humans, and species of livestock. It’s not beyond the realm of possibility that we will gorge on a historic amount of blood, while our chances of being crushed or sprayed are at an all-time low.” The head tick scientist then urged ticks everywhere to “get on out there” before skittering around some dirt and climbing up a tall blade of grass.

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