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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.
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Tick Scientists Confirm 2017 Summer Will Be Best On Record

WASHINGTON—Citing numerous encouraging projections from their research, the nation’s tick scientists confirmed Friday that the summer of 2017 would be the best on record. “All 900 species of tick, regardless of whether they’re hard or soft, should plan on enjoying the best summer of their lives thanks to the historically high heat and humidity levels we’re seeing in our calculations,” said the head tick scientist, a standard eight-legged American dog tick, explaining how the excellent season they’re expecting will provide optimal conditions in forest systems worldwide for the hematophagic parasites to lay eggs, metamorphosize, and hide amongst vegetation while waiting to climb onto passing hosts. “Above all others, this year presents ample opportunity for us to bite and possibly transmit diseases to thousands of different birds, humans, and species of livestock. It’s not beyond the realm of possibility that we will gorge on a historic amount of blood, while our chances of being crushed or sprayed are at an all-time low.” The head tick scientist then urged ticks everywhere to “get on out there” before skittering around some dirt and climbing up a tall blade of grass.

More from this section

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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