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Tide Of War Turns After Rumsfeld's Inspiring Barracks Pep Talk

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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Tide Of War Turns After Rumsfeld's Inspiring Barracks Pep Talk

BAGHDAD—With his highly touted, top-ranked team on the brink of elimination, Secretary Of Defense Donald Rumsfeld delivered an emotional, off-the-cuff barracks pep-talk to his men Monday, inspiring them to mount an offensive surge that just may turn the tide of the contest going into the second half. "Come on, boys, we're getting shelled out there, and I can't believe the shots they're getting through our defense," said Rumsfeld, growing in confidence and passion as the speech went on. "Now, I know they're playing rough, men, and you're hurt, dazed, and demoralized, but there's no way we're gonna let this thing go into overtime, are we! It ain't over yet—not even close! This is our war! Our war! Our war!" The chanting troops immediately charged out of the barracks and regained possession of 80 percent of Iraq.

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