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Tiger Always Checked Out Of Local Zoo

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TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

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Tiger Always Checked Out Of Local Zoo

SAN FRANCISCO—Complaining that another patron always seems to have borrowed the animal before he gets a chance to take it home, frustrated local man Scott Gardner told reporters Monday that the sole Siberian tiger at his local zoo is checked out every time he visits. “No matter when I head over there, the woman at the tiger habitat tells me the Siberian is checked out but that I can get it once it’s returned in a few weeks,” Gardner said, noting that the same person seemed to be repeatedly renewing the 350-pound cat and that he was always relegated to taking home “some leopard that’s not nearly as good.” “I looked it up online, and they’ve got a Siberian available at another location, but I’m not about to drive all the way out to Oakland.” When pressed, Gardner admitted that the availability of the tiger was a moot point, as his borrowing privileges had been suspended until he paid for the tiger he lost a few years ago.

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