adBlockCheck

After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
End Of Section
  • More News

Tiger Woods Adopts Son To Compete In PGA's Del Webb Father/Son Challenge

ORLANDO, FL—Calling it "the best decision [he's] ever made," Tiger Woods adopted 11-year-old orphan Randy Gearhardt last week so he would qualify for the PGA Tour's annual Del Webb Father/Son Challenge. "I love my little Rodney [sic]—he has a good heart, and a much better short game than Vijay Singh's son," Woods said following the tandem's first-place finish in the tournament. "Even though we wouldn't have won if it weren't for me, I'm still proud of him." Now that the season is over, Woods said he is planning on spending a lot of time with his son, devoting every waking hour to molding him into the greatest golfer in the sport's history

After Birth

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close