Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
End Of Section
  • More News

Tiger Woods Begins Sobbing Uncontrollably On 5th Hole Of U.S. Open

PEBBLE BEACH, CA—Overcome by problems in his personal life, an inability to get his golf game in order, and his foundering public image, Tiger Woods broke out into uncontrollable sobs on the fifth tee of the U.S. Open yesterday. "He took his practice swing, stood behind the ball to line up his shot, and then just lost it," said playing partner Lee Westwood, adding that Woods' sobs were punctuated with high-pitched yells of "What the hell is going on with my life?" "Oh God, oh God, oh God," and "What are you all staring at?" "At one point Tiger wiped away his tears with his golf glove, and then got really upset because he got his golf glove wet. He mumbled something like, 'You fucked up again, Tiger. You fucked up again.'" Four minutes into Woods' breakdown, playing partner Ernie Els also began sobbing for reasons that still remain unclear.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.