Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Tiger Woods Begins Sobbing Uncontrollably On 5th Hole Of U.S. Open

PEBBLE BEACH, CA—Overcome by problems in his personal life, an inability to get his golf game in order, and his foundering public image, Tiger Woods broke out into uncontrollable sobs on the fifth tee of the U.S. Open yesterday. "He took his practice swing, stood behind the ball to line up his shot, and then just lost it," said playing partner Lee Westwood, adding that Woods' sobs were punctuated with high-pitched yells of "What the hell is going on with my life?" "Oh God, oh God, oh God," and "What are you all staring at?" "At one point Tiger wiped away his tears with his golf glove, and then got really upset because he got his golf glove wet. He mumbled something like, 'You fucked up again, Tiger. You fucked up again.'" Four minutes into Woods' breakdown, playing partner Ernie Els also began sobbing for reasons that still remain unclear.

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