MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Tiger Woods Begins Sobbing Uncontrollably On 5th Hole Of U.S. Open

PEBBLE BEACH, CA—Overcome by problems in his personal life, an inability to get his golf game in order, and his foundering public image, Tiger Woods broke out into uncontrollable sobs on the fifth tee of the U.S. Open yesterday. "He took his practice swing, stood behind the ball to line up his shot, and then just lost it," said playing partner Lee Westwood, adding that Woods' sobs were punctuated with high-pitched yells of "What the hell is going on with my life?" "Oh God, oh God, oh God," and "What are you all staring at?" "At one point Tiger wiped away his tears with his golf glove, and then got really upset because he got his golf glove wet. He mumbled something like, 'You fucked up again, Tiger. You fucked up again.'" Four minutes into Woods' breakdown, playing partner Ernie Els also began sobbing for reasons that still remain unclear.

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