Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Blame Breakup On Hectic Sex Lives

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Explaining that the pressures of their day-to-day commitments had given them no other choice but to end their three-year relationship, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn released a joint statement Wednesday blaming their breakup on their hectic sex lives.

Terms Of Tiger's Divorce

Former super-couple Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren are making it official with one of the highest-profile divorces in sports. Here's how it will work:

Tiger Woods Announces Return To Sex

PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL—In an announcement highly anticipated by sex fans around the world, Tiger Woods told a small gathering of reporters, family, and lovers Friday that the most dominant fornicator on the planet would soon return to sex.

Tiger's Slump

Despite one great come-from-behind tournament win, Tiger Woods has not been the same golfer since returning from surgery. Some signs he's not...

Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods may be the greatest golfer of all time, but how great does that make him?
End Of Section
  • More News

Tiger Woods Continues Hitting Bucket Of Balls After Hearing Wife Has Gone Into Labor

ORLANDO—According to his personal caddy Steve Williams, after Tiger Woods was informed that his wife had gone into labor with their first child on Monday, the 12-time major champion acknowledged the news, calmly put down his cellular phone, and continued hitting the 60 or so golf balls he had remaining from a large bucket he purchased 20 minutes earlier. "Tiger felt that it was extremely important to work on shaping all kinds of shots for the upcoming British Open," Williams said, adding that, upon hearing that his wife's contractions were only seven minutes apart, Woods concentrated on methodically hitting pitches, high fades, and low draws. "I thought maybe he would cut his practice session a little short for once, but when he was done with the bucket of balls he told me to get his putter so he could work on eight-footers." After receiving another phone call saying that his wife had given birth to a baby girl, Woods reportedly said nothing for some time, eventually instructing Williams to get him another bucket of balls.

Tiger Woods

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.