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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Tiger Woods Credits Win To Equipment

MEDINAH, IL— During Sunday's post-tournament trophy ceremony at Medinah Golf Club, Tiger Woods took the opportunity to credit his 2006 PGA Championship victory to his Nike SasQuatch 460 cc Driver, Nike One Platinum Golf Ball, and his Nike Forged Blade Irons. "I didn't feel like I was swinging the club the way I wanted, but thankfully the club I was swinging was made of soft, 1030 carbon steel that gives me exceptional feel and spin control," Woods said. "I also wouldn't have made all those birdie putts if it weren't for my Scotty Cameron Studio Newport 2 Putter with standard lie and loft." Tiger will now turn his focus toward the Ryder Cup at Ireland's Kildare Golf Club, where he believes his Nike Dri-Fit Tour Glove and his waterproof Nike SP 7 Tiger Woods Tour Shoes will easily overcome any adverse weather conditions.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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