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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Tiger Woods Hits Rock Bottom, Aside from Being Worth Over $600 Million

AKRON, OH—Tiger Woods scored a career-worst 18-over-par finish at the Bridgestone Invitational Sunday, officially hitting rock bottom if one ignores the fact that he is worth over $600 million, is still the world's No. 1–ranked golfer, never has to work another day for the rest of his life, and has millions of fans worldwide. "Four rounds in the mid-to-high 70s, and finishing 78th out of 80 golfers—it simply can't get any worse for Tiger," ESPN golf analyst Andy North said of Woods, who left Sunday's round in his private jet and who, despite a damaging sex scandal, still earned more than $90 million in 2010. "Nowhere to go from here but up, [or sail up and down the California coast in his yacht for the rest of his life if he wants to]." Woods was unable to comment on reaching his personal low point, as he was too busy checking into the penthouse suite of his four-star hotel and deciding if he wanted the 12-ounce or 16-ounce filet for dinner.

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