JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Explaining that the pressures of their day-to-day commitments had given them no other choice but to end their three-year relationship, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn released a joint statement Wednesday blaming their breakup on their hectic sex lives.
AUGUSTA, GA—After finishing a disappointing three shots behind winner Trevor Immelman at the Masters tournament, Tiger Woods denied he was frustrated at missing his chance for golf's Grand Slam, instead concentrating his anger on his recent purchase of a coat hanger for his anticipated green jacket. "Look, it's made of aromatic cedar and has specially shaped 'wings' to spread the jacket's shoulders and help it hold its shape. And for what?" Woods asked onlookers while holding the heavy wooden haberdashery implement up for them to see. "What am I supposed to hang on it now, one of my 10,000 red shirts? Christ." Woods then attempted to break the hanger across his left knee, severely damaging the cartilage and necessitating surgery that will cause him to miss the Players Championship.