Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Tiger Woods Irritated He Bought Additional Coat Hanger

AUGUSTA, GA—After finishing a disappointing three shots behind winner Trevor Immelman at the Masters tournament, Tiger Woods denied he was frustrated at missing his chance for golf's Grand Slam, instead concentrating his anger on his recent purchase of a coat hanger for his anticipated green jacket. "Look, it's made of aromatic cedar and has specially shaped 'wings' to spread the jacket's shoulders and help it hold its shape. And for what?" Woods asked onlookers while holding the heavy wooden haberdashery implement up for them to see. "What am I supposed to hang on it now, one of my 10,000 red shirts? Christ." Woods then attempted to break the hanger across his left knee, severely damaging the cartilage and necessitating surgery that will cause him to miss the Players Championship.

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