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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Tiger Woods Sucks Now, Reports U.S. Department Of Guys At The Bar

WASHINGTON—During a six-hour committee hearing Sunday at McKenzie's Pub on 14th and G Streets, the U.S. Department of Guys at the Bar issued a scathing report on the state of Tiger Woods' golf game, declaring the 14-time major champion "washed up," his swing "for shit," and his putting ability "a fucking joke." "He's done," Assistant Secretary of Guys at the Bar Jake Shroyer said in his closing floor remarks, just before the committee ruled 11-0 that all that pussy fucked up Woods' chances of breaking Jack Nicklaus' majors record. "[Undersecretary of Guys at the Bar Edward] Davis over there was like, 'Just wait till he plays St. Andrews. He fucking tears up St. Andrews.' What do you think now, Davis? He sucks, right?" The Department of Guys at the Bar later issued a joint statement with the Department of Dudes Just Hangin' Out that Elin Nordegren was still hot as shit.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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