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Tiger Woods Sucks Now, Reports U.S. Department Of Guys At The Bar

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Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Blame Breakup On Hectic Sex Lives

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Explaining that the pressures of their day-to-day commitments had given them no other choice but to end their three-year relationship, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn released a joint statement Wednesday blaming their breakup on their hectic sex lives.

Terms Of Tiger's Divorce

Former super-couple Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren are making it official with one of the highest-profile divorces in sports. Here's how it will work:

Tiger Woods Announces Return To Sex

PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL—In an announcement highly anticipated by sex fans around the world, Tiger Woods told a small gathering of reporters, family, and lovers Friday that the most dominant fornicator on the planet would soon return to sex.

Tiger's Slump

Despite one great come-from-behind tournament win, Tiger Woods has not been the same golfer since returning from surgery. Some signs he's not...

Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods may be the greatest golfer of all time, but how great does that make him?

Tiger Woods Putts Baby Into Diaper

ORLANDO, FL—Tiger Woods added yet another accomplishment to his already outstanding résumé Sunday when the 13-time major winner successfully putted his baby daughter, five-month-old Sam Alexis Woods, into a fresh Huggies...
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Tiger Woods Sucks Now, Reports U.S. Department Of Guys At The Bar

WASHINGTON—During a six-hour committee hearing Sunday at McKenzie's Pub on 14th and G Streets, the U.S. Department of Guys at the Bar issued a scathing report on the state of Tiger Woods' golf game, declaring the 14-time major champion "washed up," his swing "for shit," and his putting ability "a fucking joke." "He's done," Assistant Secretary of Guys at the Bar Jake Shroyer said in his closing floor remarks, just before the committee ruled 11-0 that all that pussy fucked up Woods' chances of breaking Jack Nicklaus' majors record. "[Undersecretary of Guys at the Bar Edward] Davis over there was like, 'Just wait till he plays St. Andrews. He fucking tears up St. Andrews.' What do you think now, Davis? He sucks, right?" The Department of Guys at the Bar later issued a joint statement with the Department of Dudes Just Hangin' Out that Elin Nordegren was still hot as shit.

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