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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Tiki Barber To Retire During Third-Down Run Off Right Tackle During Third Quarter Of Sunday's Tampa Bay Game

NEW YORK—Giants running back Tiki Barber, who had earlier announced his retirement pending the end of the 2006-07 NFL season, advanced his timetable for retirement to a specific play in the Giants' upcoming game against the Buccaneers. "By the midpoint of the third quarter of Sunday's game, I intend to take the handoff from [quarterback] Eli [Manning], cut inside the right tackle, and bounce to the outside to avoid linebacker Derrick Brooks," said Barber, who otherwise plans to treat Sunday "just like any other game." "Once in the open field, I'll avoid pursuit by my brother Ronde and go out on top by retiring from football in front of my family and the world's greatest fans." After taking his final bows and shaking the hands of all players and coaches present, Barber plans to change into a stylish but understated gray suit, and return to the sidelines, where he will interview himself for ESPN.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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