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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone’s Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wednesday evening.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Tiki Barber To Retire During Third-Down Run Off Right Tackle During Third Quarter Of Sunday's Tampa Bay Game

NEW YORK—Giants running back Tiki Barber, who had earlier announced his retirement pending the end of the 2006-07 NFL season, advanced his timetable for retirement to a specific play in the Giants' upcoming game against the Buccaneers. "By the midpoint of the third quarter of Sunday's game, I intend to take the handoff from [quarterback] Eli [Manning], cut inside the right tackle, and bounce to the outside to avoid linebacker Derrick Brooks," said Barber, who otherwise plans to treat Sunday "just like any other game." "Once in the open field, I'll avoid pursuit by my brother Ronde and go out on top by retiring from football in front of my family and the world's greatest fans." After taking his final bows and shaking the hands of all players and coaches present, Barber plans to change into a stylish but understated gray suit, and return to the sidelines, where he will interview himself for ESPN.

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