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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Tiki Barber To Retire During Third-Down Run Off Right Tackle During Third Quarter Of Sunday's Tampa Bay Game

NEW YORK—Giants running back Tiki Barber, who had earlier announced his retirement pending the end of the 2006-07 NFL season, advanced his timetable for retirement to a specific play in the Giants' upcoming game against the Buccaneers. "By the midpoint of the third quarter of Sunday's game, I intend to take the handoff from [quarterback] Eli [Manning], cut inside the right tackle, and bounce to the outside to avoid linebacker Derrick Brooks," said Barber, who otherwise plans to treat Sunday "just like any other game." "Once in the open field, I'll avoid pursuit by my brother Ronde and go out on top by retiring from football in front of my family and the world's greatest fans." After taking his final bows and shaking the hands of all players and coaches present, Barber plans to change into a stylish but understated gray suit, and return to the sidelines, where he will interview himself for ESPN.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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